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'Twill be as lasting us the hill, 

Where thou didst play a shepherd's boy, 

And taught, thy dog to bark. 



PHILADELPHIA: 

A. SWAN, PRINTER, S. E. CORNER SECOND AND CHESTNUT STS. 
1856. 



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Twill be as lasting as the hill, 

Where thou didst play a shepherd's boy, 

And taught, thy dog to hark. 



PHILADELPHIA: 
SWAN, PRINTER, S. E. CORNER SECOND AND CHESTNUT STS, 
' ^ 1856. 



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Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, bj' 

SIMON W. BRIGHT, 

in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Eastern District 
of Pennsylvania. 



THE POLITICIANS. 



IDTIJ^TSKJ^TXS I>EPlS01Sr.aE3- 



HENRY W. BLUMOR, Member of Congress. 

Mrs. BLUMOR, Jiis Wife. 

WIDOW BLUMOR, ?m Mother. 

Col. OLIVER GOODWILL,") 

WILLIAM IIAUTHORN, \ Friends of Blumor. 

NAT. BUXTON, J 

JOHN -XERXES BROWN, Candidate far Cmigress. 

Miss MARY ESSENCE, Maid of Surrxj, (iu lore with Brown.) 

DELIA, her Servant. 

SAMUEL PETOCINE, "j 

LOWNDES CARRAL, I 

JETHRU McPIIERRIE, J 

SOLOMON JOLOR, 

ABSOLAM JUNC, 

PETER CARACAT, 

BEVERLY BUTTERCOCK, 

DICK FERROST, 

ABNER SHANKS, 

Jxulge, Lawyer, Doctor, DevU, Ghost, Post Boy, Hostler, Aunt Mirny, Sheriff", 
Landlord, Citizens, Servants, Guards. 



Friends of Brown. 
/ 



■ Enemies to Blumor. 



THE POLITICIANS. 



ACT I. 



Scene I. — A ilidnight Plot. — Enter Joler, Jrxc, Cakacat, 
BuTTERCocK, Ferrost, and Shanks. 

Jol. Fellow Comrades — we liave met at this fit time, 
And opportune place, at this late hour, 
When bats and owls are motionless as sleep ; 
When dead silence reigns, and nothing is afloat, 
Except the noiseless dews, to concoct the ■ 
Ruin of a prosperous man ; and adjust 
Matters to our taste, appertaining to 
Each one's interest. 'Tis a well known fact. 
That Blumor's daily gaining strength, and will 
Be elected unless his tide of fortune 
Stops. The people praise him every where. 
And say he's a worthy man ; — each one must 
Tax his ingenuity in devising 
Subtle means to impair his i-eputation ; — 
Fix a plan, and lay a snare to do it. 
His defeat will reward our efforts in 
A sextuple ratio, and triumph lift 
Up our heavy heads. In this electioneering 
Struggle, we've gain'd nothing by being fair; 
Lets resort to craft and cunning ; this 
Is allow'd politicians ; no system 
Of device, no frauds, are bad enough for 
Blumor; his damn'd shoulders arc able to 
Bear the machinations of blear ey'd devils. 
He's our enemy, oppos'd to our cause. 
In favor of stringent liquor laws. 
We are wild, and gay, and do drink our drams. 
As our Fathers did, have done time immemoriaL 
If divested the means, 
Of our gayety, we are no longer gay ; 
But freemen under duress, inpos'd 



6 THE POLITICIANS. 

Upon by a legislative laAv, 

Conflicting with Divine laws ; — can we stomach 

The thought, to be bereft the apple, and 

Its palatable juices, a gift of God, 

Subject to man's directions, appliances, 

And uses, many thousand years ; 

But recently deem'd an error, to 

Be corrected by law, timely ript from 

Longing individual appetite ; 

Made a legislative triumph, independent 

The influence of the moral world. 

Man should be free, and joyous, with feelings 

Warm, and gushing — God has made him so. 

Who dare alter His workmanship, and by 

Enactment force it to a moral visage, 

A long face moralist. We have no 

Evil here without His knowledge. Who dare, 

With an aspect of deceit, as white 

Sepulchres, wink at heaven's wisdom, and 

Support measures, to rid the world of a 

Plague, permitted, allow'd by the Omnipotent ; 

To remove the tempter with a 

Process of law, wherewith we are tempted, 

Refin'd and purified. ! ignorant. 

Foolish race, — your surphis age of religion 

Incites you to do, what God has never done ; — 

Prayer, righteousness, are instruments 

Of sins removal, not moral vanity, 

That which makes ye Solomons, to banish 

Thy brother's wickedness, and makes thy eyes 

As telescopes, to peer into coming 

Evil. O foolish people, do now what 

You conceive is good to be done, remove 

This your curse, and God can send you one that's worse, 

The fires of Sodom, and Gomoi-ah, 

Famines, pestilence, bloodshed, civil war; 

But enough, I'll act as chairman, while each 

Of you, do set forth his designs and plans 

Invented for Blumor's overthrow. 

Fcr. Mr. Chairman, I dislike Blumor, I hate the man, 
None will exult more than I, at his defeat; 
A designing, schemy hypocrite; — 
Why sir, at church, none says amen louder, 
To the minister's prayer, to his sermon ; 
None listens more attentively ; for the 
Vile purpose of catching votes, and reaping 
The people's favor: success crown's the rascal; 
Fortune's lap is emptied at his feet ; 
Not by fair means, but foul ; yet among the 



THE POLITICIANS. 

People, he is preferable to Browu ; 

Whom they accuse with ignorance, as a 

Sappy youth ; unfit for Congress, and class 

Him with the commonest farmer, that ever 

Plough'd a crooked furrow, and do maintain 

The opinion, that honor belongeth 

Not to those who are least among us, but 

Tlie greatest. Blumor being great, therefore 

Should be honor'd ; Brown not being great, should 

Be dishonor'd, with the scandal of defeat: 

Designated the silliest goose, that 

Ever gTaz'd upon the green sod of the 

Valley ; an undiscij)lin'd mass ; 

An unwean'd puppy, whining about the people 

For their suffrages, who hate him. Ah ! this 

Hatred must be chang'd ; the people must take 

It as a dainty morsel, for they'll be 

Nonplus'd at the snar's we'll lay for Blumor; 

Fall from his support, as ripe apples from 

The tree ; scandal must do its work ; stalk forth 

To disperse the prepossessions the people 

Have for Blumor. We are men of truth. 

But must be liars once; perjury will 

Create a great reaction, and transfer the 

Popular tide to Brown ; we must say Blumor 

Has done thus, and thus, and strengthen our 

Sayings with an oath ; we'll be believed. 

I'm no person for designs, I never was, 

But will enter upon any jjlot 

We may adopt, for Bhimor's downfall; — 

Though it should be, to take away his life. 

Car. Mr. Chairman, I can bob Blumor's tail and clip 
His pride, by penning his neighbor's pigs, his 
Neighbor's cattle, his neighbor's stock, upon 
His land, and giving them his mark. This should 
Be done, and published in the Journals 
Of the day, so that the people can perceive 
He's a rogue, and stealeth from his neighbors. 

June. Mr. Chairman, that design will never do. 
Blumor's purse is heavy, he's rich and able 
To purchase his neighbor's stock, at three 
Times their value, and could reconcile the 
Matter, by saying his negroes did the 
Mischief. 'Twould be better to bribe some woman 
Of ill repute, to swear the rape against 
Him. This would enrage the people, and bring 
The wretch to punishment. 

But. Mr. Chairman, Blumor is a man of character, 
Hitherto unimpeach'd, his oath will 



6 THE POLITICIANS. 

Outweigh any woman's oath, of ill repute ; 
Besides, he is a married man. 
And has a pretty wife. That he has wrong' d 
His wife, and committed rape upon a 
Vile wench, cannot be palm'd off upon the 
Public ; none would believe such false report; 
And the whore would have to clear the ti'ack, else- 
Receive punishment, for what is deem'd spite ; — 
Intolerable means, to be aveng'd 
Upon a man, who never touch'd a harlot. 
I have a remedy more effectual ; 
If in its application, we can agree : 
For Blumor, when we meet him next, lets feign 
Friendship, advocate his measures, admit 
He's right, and that we'll support him, to be 
With the majority; if for nothing 
Else. While doing this, Avhile praising him, and 
Heaping flatteries, upon his sinful 
Head, I'll drop my pocket-book into his 
Pocket ; slip away unobserved, and make 
Proclamation of robbery. Then each 
Of you, must go to the Sheriff, whose 
Services I'll procure, to ferret out the thief, 
And tell him Blumor purloined the book. 
We'll have him in a ruinous snare ; 
Wherewith he'll be disgraced forever. 

Shanks. Mine eot, a petter ting, never vas in 
Sharmany done. 

Jol. Yes, 'tis a good thing, a noble thing. 
All suificient to work an enemy's 
Destruction; 'twill bury him low; sink him 
Beneath the rubbish of the flood. Now to 
The battle, comrades; we'll sing, and drink, to 
Buttercock's health. [T/iei/ sing.) 

Hurra ! hurra ! for Buttercock, 

Old Blumor, directly, 
Will be lead to the whipping block, 

And there whipp'd correctly. 

Hurra ! hurra ! for Buttercock, 

We'll sing his praises high; 
His plots, his plans, his schemes, will shock, 

Politicians greatly. 

Hurra ! hurra ! for Buttercock, 

Now, we'll mingle glasses, 
For every one to drink his health, 

And bray like jack-asses. [^Exeunt, braying.'\ 



THE POLITICIANS. \) 

Scene II. — In the Streets — Unter .Joler, Junc, Buttekcock, 
Ferrost, Shanks, and C.vracat, ichisjjerinff. 

Enter Blumor, icho nods in the act of passing/ them. 

But. Blumor, pass not by us, we are your fi-iends, 
Myself and the others here, are your truest friends. 

Blu. You are jesting, I imagine, sir. 

Car. He's right in thinking so, at first we were 
His enemies. 

Blu. And are so still, I fear. 

Fer, Away with fear, chang'd we are, from worst to 
Better, have forsaken Brown, as he fell 
Short of our expectations, as u man 
Of merit, and politician. We lik\l 
His principles, but yours, when understood 
We lik'd better. 

Blu. (Asto7iished.) Well! well! then you are my friends. 

(Buttercock slips the jwc/cet-book, in his pocket, and leaves.) 

Jol. We are your friends, and willing to be 
Accepted as such ; if you've been wrong'd 
With speeches of deffamation ; if your 
Prospects we have soil'd, and to your influences 
Been detrimental, this proffering you 
Our support, and a knowledge of this 
Among the people, will be a revocation 
Of what we have done. 

Blu. A double revocation, and thanks from 
Your humble Candidate. 

June. If humble, he is exalted, above 
The muddy round of mediocrity ; 
His name immortal in the annals of state, 
His excellences, the people do revere. 
And are proud of their noble standard bearer. — 
Who honors his coiuitry, is honor'd. 
We will neither lessen that honor. 
Nor blemish oui* names, and reputation. 
By being in the suds, in the minority 
We are for you, and the majority 
Float with the tide ; you are the tide, 
And many people are in it ; therefore, boast and 
Brag, and not by actions show, 
That your election is doubtful. 

Blu. 'Tis a thing, I've never done, but since my 
Enemies are my friends, and do elate 
Me with their friendship, I can demurely 
Boast, that my election is sure, if surety 
Is ascertain'd by actions, looks, or jestures; 
2 



10 ' THE POLITICIANS. 

And there is any truth, in manifestations ; — 

I'm cheer'd up ev'ry where, and from external 

Appearanc's, do believe. I'll be elected 

Almost unanimously ; but belief's 

Are thwarted by sudden circumstances; 

And in tempests, ships are lost. If it 

Remaineth calm, and no storm ariseth, 

To blow away my hopes ; if the voters 

Are true, and prove not false, I'll get the largest 

Vote ever given in this district. 

Shii/iks. Valk in dece shop, and take some peer mit us ; 
You be von big man, bigger dan de 
Odder von's ; de jjeoples vill vote mit yovi. 

[^Exeunt all in th^' f!hop.'\ 

Re-enter Buttercock. 

Jiut. An accident, — by all the powers, my 
Pocket-book's gone, stolen ; — but five minutes 
Since, I defray'd my tavern bill, — full of 
Bank notes, — stutt"'d,— stiitf'd, — ah ! — I'm ruin'd,— my 
Money's lost. [Enter Sheriff.) Hallo Sheriii',I"m robbed. — 

Slier. By whom ? 

But. Pick-pockets, rogues, thieves, a reward for detection. 

\_Exit.^ 

Slier. I'll look up the thief, and bring him to trial; 
Where he'll get his deserts, and have his back 
Chequr'd with vermillion sti-ipes. 

Enter Joler, Junc, Shanks, Ferrost, Caracat. 

Sher. Your pocket-books gentlemen, I must look 
At every man's pocket-book ; a theft has 
Been committed. 

Jol. Who has lost a pocket-book? 

Sher. Buttercock. 

Jol. Ah ! Blumor's the rogue, he purloin'd the book. 

Sher. Is it possible ? May we not expect 
A second flood ? What's the world coming to, 
When such men turn rogues ? He has small ears I trow. 

Jol. Whether large or small, he has an ear, he 
Has an art and slippery hands for theft. 

Sher, If cursed with such an ear, such an art, 
And such hands, how did you detect him ? 

Jol. By chance ; we met him in the street to day, 
Receiv'd him with the courtesy due from 
One partisan to another : had some 
Friendly talk upon the topics of the day, 
About the election ; how the difl'ei-ent 
Counties would go, and the issue between 
The parties. We were arous'd, so was he, 
lu his excitement, to make us converts ; 



THE POLITICIANS. 11 

And to impress his political faith, 

He would slap us on the shoulders ; 

He slap'd Battercock thus, and in his slaps and flirts, 

Got his hand into his pocket, stol'd 

His pocket-book before oiir eyes ; held it in 

His hand, continued excited, and slap'd 

Buttercock's back, with the pocket-book 

Without his knowledge; then gulp'd it in his own 

Pocket. 'Twas a keen trick. 

Sher. Did the rest of you see it ! — witness this keen trick ? 

Car. We did, and will verify what .Joler 
'Says, corroborate his declarations 
With an oath. 

Sher. Then Blumor must be arrested, disgrac'd, 
And brought to trial. 

Car. ' 'Tis what we desii-e, — disgi'ace will pluck his 
Feathers, shake his vanity, convulse his 
Proud breast, corrugate his winning features, 
Evaporate his manly bearing, dry him 
Up a drivel'd idiot ; reel him about 
As a loaded mule ; make him vacillate 
As a clock's pendulum ; drag him tVom bis 
Distinguish' d summit, to an obscure position! — 
Arrest him, we'll follow at your heels, 
To exult at his mortification. 
And astonishment ; — but here he comes ! 

Sher. [To Blu.) Lets have your pocket-book ! 

Bill. [Giving it.) Take it, appropriate it to your 
Necessities, the people's necessities. 
Let it relieve their wants, and cheer up the 
Hearts of the crestfallen. 

Sher. This is not the one I want, lets have the 
Other one ? 

Blu. 'Tis the only one I have. 

Sher. Let me search your pockets, I wager, I'll 
Find another? 

Blu. Cant my word be taken ? Must I be 
Suspected of untruths ? Well examine me ? 
Then I am false to truth ; if thou findeth another. 

Sher. Will your swear it? A Bible, friends. 

Blu. I will not swear it, but will convince you, 
By submitting to an examination. 
Examine me, Sheriif. 

Sher. Well then, turn roiind. 

June. [Pointinff.) That's the pocket. 

Sher. [Examining.) I've got it, come out, thou lone one, thou 
Stolen book. Here it is. Aha ! now thou art 
A liar ; — do you claim this book ? Is this 
Yoiu- book ? 



12 THE POLITICIANS. 

Blu. 'Tis not my book. 

Sher. How came you by it? 

Bill. Let the winds be your oracle, the bending 
Trees, the solid ground, rivers, birds, mountains, 
Or any thing you please, — they know as much 
About the book as I do, and will give 
As true an answer. 

Slier. 'Tis the nature of a thief, to disown, 
And i"it acknowledge, his doings. 

Blu. Am I then a thief? If I pxirloin'd the 
Book, I must have been dreaming, sleeping, or 
Laboring under some great mental 
Aberration. Do not say that I'm a thief; — 
An intentional thief; — my flesh crawls at 
The idea. You fire up my soul, with a hellish rage, 
And set my blood to boiling. 
This matter must be settled, sir. 

Sher. Have patience, it AviU be settled ; but first 
You must away with me to prison, to 
Await your trial. 

Blu. Imprison me upon grounds so slender 
As this, without knowing whose book this is ? — 
You iiave no right to use me thus ; 
Y'ou have no light to trifle with my honor ; 
You have no law to uphold you in it, without 
Some evidence of my guilt, and some 
Peisou to claim the book. 

Sher. We have an owner for the book ; — 'tis Buttercock's ; 
And suflicient evidence of youi- guilt. 
I'm afraid yoiir blood will be spilt ; I dont 
Want to see it. Neither do I want you 
Imprison'd, which is optional with Buttercock ; — 
He is a man of feeling, you and he, 
I hope, will settle this affair, between ye. 

Blu. 'Tis Buttercock's, you say ! Why, this very day 
He unburden'd himself to me, as one 
Of my best friends ; spoke tenderly of my 
Party, and of the interest he felt 
In the election. He gave, or rather 
Pledged, his vote to me, with his friendship annexed. 

But. [Coming up.) Y"ou abus'd that friendship, — 
Stole my pocket-book. 

Blu. You'll not prosecute me, for this suppos'd theft. 

But. You must undergo the rigor of the law. 

Blu. To compromise this matter, I'll give you 
Six such pocket-books, and many presents to boot. 

But, Nay, I have a competency; if I 
Had not, wealth by means of dishonesty 
Would trouble me more than honest poverty. 



THE POLITICIANS. 13 

I will not be brib'd, no, yon nuist undergo 
The rigor of the law ; else it wnuld be 
Establishing hasty precedents ; which 
Would be taken advantage of, by 
Other rogues in futiu-e. 

Bill. Buttercock, my house, my lands, my slaves, 
My carriages, horses, cattle, swine. 
Magnolia groves, ambrosial flowers, 
My wide fields, green lawns, orchards, cedar hedges, 
Shall be thine. My park, fish ponds, lakes, and 
Leaping streams, my hunting groujid, and cool 
Springs, with bubbling spouts, heaving up snowy 
Sands, shall be thine, — to let this matter di-op. 

But. Could you present the ocean's buried wealth, 
Filter the amber bowels of earth, for 
Diamonds, and precious ore ; could you present a 
Solomon's Temple ; the gift of Croises ; 
Or an emerald left, when heaven was 
Finish' d, I should let the law have its course. 
Nor from my duty swerve. 

Sher. Seize him. \_Exeunt, dragging Blumor to jail.'] 



ACT II. 

Scene I. — A quarrel and fight. — Enter Hauthorn aw^/ Goodwill. 

Good. Good day, Mr. Hauthorn, how do you do ? 
How stands your health, and other prospects ? 

Hau. My health stands with me, my prospects stand 
Not at all. 

Good. Then your health and prospects have pai-ted, 
A goodly thing, for yoii 'tis so ; as 
Good and evil, is a dish to all ; 
And have been, ever since man's fall ; who 
Takes the good, must take the evil. 
The good without the evil, 'tis a rare exception. 

Hau. Make not the pine, an oak ; nor an oak, 
The pine ; neither truth, the falsehood ; nor 
Falsehood, the truth ; let things be as they 
Are, then things they'll be. 

Unter Buxton. 

Bux. Bad news, gentlemen, oiu' candidate 
For Congi-ess, the Honorable 
Henry W. Blumor, is in prison ! 

JIau. Impossible, Buxton, you are mistaken ; 
It can't be so. 

Bux. Indeed its so, I saw him enter 
Myself, and the doors clos'd. 

9* 



14 THE POLITICIANS. 

Hmt. Bad news, bad news ! — How did lie look ? 

Bux. He look'd as sad as the moon, and pale 
As a ghost. 

Good. I'll ha-ye lihn out of that miserable vault. 

Bux. Ah ! but he's guarded, you can't get at him. [Ezit.'\ 

Good. I'll have him out, I tell you, I'll have 
Him out : if there is any virtue 
In man, I have a will, one that will 
Move a body ; and a body, that 
WiU move a dungeon, I'll have him out. 

Hau. Let things take their course, be not hasty ; 
Will you -thump the green watermelon. 
And say its ripe! If Blumor"s guilty. 
The prison is not to good for Blumor ; 
If innocent, trvith will purify 
His innocence ; a bee hive, taken 
Too eai'ly, will give only comb, without 
The honey ; which wiU not sweeten the 
Palate ; green gathered corn will sour, and 
Not support the body ; the fast horse will 
Break his wind, and is wind broken in 
Expectancy ; the swift hound, will kill 
Himself, to prevent which, his owner 
Keeps him chain' d. 

Good. If your field was on fire, would you not 
Hasten to put it out? If your Ox 
Was in the mire, would you not hasten 
To pull him out ? Damn'd be the man, 
Who would hesitate, when his house is 
Withering to ashes, or when his 
Daughter is being ravished. You 
Don't love Blumor, you are an enemy 
To Blumor. The fierce tiger lies in 
Ambush for its prey ; the falcon 
Flutters in the air before he swoops 
Upon the sparrow ; bid me not 
Hesitate to check the flying horse, with 
A royal family at his heels : 
To pull the ox out of the ditch ; to 
Smothei' flames. Haste, regulates haste, and 
Places in order, that which is disorder'd. 

Ilau. Haste, regulates haste, 'bout as much as 
A hasty fire, regulates a dinner 
Pot which boils over, — suppresses haste, 
Puts out the fire. 

Good. If you did but have any reason ; 
If you could but listen to reason ; 
And would measure reason, with reason ; 
Tlieu I would not have any reason 



TilE POLITICIANS^.- 15 

To say, that you were -without reason. 

Hail. If you did know, what was reason ; 
If you did know how to obtain reason, 
And how difficult 'tis to reason. 
You woukl willingly yield to reason. 
And not be a mad passionate fool. 

Good. I may be a fool, aiwl a passionate 
One to boot ; bat no man calls me thus to 
My teeth with impunity, be he as 
Meek as Moses, or mighty as an 
Elephant; — so take this and this. {They Fight.) 

[Re-enter Buxton, and parts them.) 

Biix. Gentlemen, has it come to this, do I 
See the friends of Blumor fight? Can he 
Prosper, when friends wrangle themselves into 
Difficulties ? Wrauglings engender hatred, 
And fighting alinates friends; I fear one 
Or the other, will be estranged from Blumor. 
In sooth, your actions, your pugilistic 
Display, can do his caiise no good, should it 
Be nois'd to the winds, or whisper' d to the 
Ears of the idle ; the masses would soon 
Be acquainted with your folly, and every 
One would form his opinion, and abide 
It, as to the wherefore the cause of the 
Fight. Some would rest in the fiim belief, that 
Its a political difference ; that 
You are for Brown, and you for Blumor ; 
Thus cause a divided influence. Be friends, — 
Let your enmities fall, — look upon this 
Yom' hostile engagement as a joke, a 
Whim, a momentary anger, a cajirice 
Temporary. 

JIau. Buxton, you are right, ivith you I do agree. 
That this difficulty, was out of place, 
And will produce political evils. 
Unless we mutually forgive each other. 
This rashness, bodily injuries inflicted, 
And keep our frailties, to oui'selves : 
For my part, though injur'd, and on the 
Defensive, for the sake of party triumph, 
I'll make a clean breast of it, and forgive 
Goodwill's attack and insolence. 'Twas as 
I thought for his own safety and benefit 
To our cause, that I remonstrated with him, 
The impropriety, of overhasty 
Attempts, by means of violence, to come at 
Blimior's liberation ; I did persuade 



lb THE POLITICIANS. 

Him, to forsake his abrupt intents, whicli 

Would be to himself only peiilous. 

And reason'd with him, the levity of 

A moments gratification, -would be 

Incomparable to a life of misery. 

He would not listen, neither be 

Convinced of any thing 'twas said, — 'twas then 

I spoke in warmth, to an irritable 

Man, the conse(iuence was blows, a bruis'd cheek, 

And swollen eye. 

Good. I acknowledge that I was in the wrong, 
And for thy forgiveness, do feel humbly 
Blest. With this renewal of friendship, that's 
Doubly dear, henceforth I'll act, as it 
Becometh a man of reason ; or else 
I am a lifeless dog, a iT)tten hog, 
Or any other insensible tiling ; 
Subject to the buzzards, or an odioiis 
Carrion lump ; an offensive speck, to those who 
Respect our moderate laws of justice. 
If I do \dolence, the penalty is some 
Punishment, a debt to country ; if I 
Do murder, the penalty is death, a 
Debt to nature, a debt to comitry, and 
A retribution to aggriev'd innocence; 
Being dead thus, after such cause and efi'ect, 
I'm nothing, know nothing, upon a level 
With the dead hog, dog, or any other 
Dead brute ; in my calm moments, I yield 
To reason, do not obstruct its force ; 'tis then 
I see my errors, and human deformities ; 
And feel asham'd of acts, done through 
Intense passion ; if oppos'd in my belief, 
And excited to warmth, or a baser 
Feeling, anger, I'm heedless, rash, 
Ungovernable, a fiend, a demon, an 
Unmentionable monster, to defy 
Opposition, to injure my best friend ; 
If perchance, he becomes a voluntary 
Meddler, and there is any interference 
On his part, to govern my temper. 
Sway my fury, and make my heated 
Notions abortive ; to my friend thus 
Injured, for his gratuitous favors 
When sober'd, I recoil at the injury, 
And in compensation, would cut my throat, 
Ask pardon, acknowledge faults, and do 
Any penance, to make reparation. 

Hau. After such friendly acknowledgements, and 



THE POLITICIANS. 17 

Plain explanation, hereafter, I will know 

How to suit thee: — 'tis said we all have errors; 

That I have, 'tis true, and this maxim 

Indeed applies to you, if all's Lacluded 

In it. Not being perfect, I can 

Overlook errors, withdraw fuel from the flames, 

And carry myself, in conformity 

To your notions and habits. No other 

Disniption will arise to prick our friendship ; 

At least I hope so, and bcUeving so. 

Will end this matter, in rendering thanks 

To Buxton ; — we should thank him for our 

Timely separation. 

Good. Thanks to the peace-maker. 

Bux. Thanks to you, for such appreciable thanks, 
Which otherwise would be as refused blanks, 
As trash, deceit, as ought, or foulest play, 
That ever wrapt friend or foe in dismay ! 
I'm no flatterer, and will not be flattered : 
May sense and reason, first be scattered, 
As wheat, as rye, upon a barren soil. 
Where man and beast, disdains to work and toil ; 
Honest thanks, or from the lips in jestui'e. 
As a conceal'd splinter in a festei". 
Which being prick' d, comes forth and gives ease ; — ■ 
Such thanks, I think, will never fail to please. 

Hau. You too, I find, as well as others, are vain ; 
I did not expect it. — Away with 
Vanity ; 'tis disgusting ; 'tis a thing 
We all have without knowing it : — a 
Mirror to reflect the man, and show the mote 
In our brother's eye. There should have been no 
Admittance on your part, not the least; 
Being pleas' d at our reconciliation 
And thanks ; you being the instrument. 
Had you been a spectator, or a simple 
Looker on, then 'twould be your duty 
To be noisy with manifestations ; 
To shower down your expressions of regard 
At our welfare and safety. Away 
With vanity, — 'tis a fault, that makes 
Perfection an impossibility 
In the human race ; a spot blemishing 
The character of man, among men. The 
Man of merit, when told of his capacities. 
Says nothing ; — suppose he should, and 
Acknowledge his greatness, he would only 
Be signing his death warrant, and dealing 
Out epecach to his admirers ; — who 



18 THE POLITICIAIS'S. 

Would speetlily vomit at his self greatness. 
You deserved om* thanks ; — being thank'd, you should 
Have said nothing ; held your tongue ; then instead of 
Self-praise, you should liave had our admii-ation. 

Bux. For a thing that's natural, I'm not to lalame; 
If vain, you have admitted alFs the same ; 
Yourself excepted, and the only one ; 
While others are nothing, none — that's something, some. 
A model, exempt from censure, or a man 
Who is faultless, regarded as a plan, 
For others to pattern after, live by. 
To follow in your exact footsteps ; or try, 
As an inebriate crossing a causeway. 
Or as a helpless child, who wants to play. 
I must pity the poor headlong, senseless fool,. 
Who will suifer you to make him a tool ; 
To tye him to your notions Avith a string, 
And to lead him about as an abject thing. 
I like to see a man mth a mind his ovnx, 
Let his sins, his faults, be secret or known ; 
You are mad, sir, mad with my friend Goodwill, 
Is why vanity is such a bitter pill ; 
AVe cant resist it, if all have that evil. 
From the sad saint, to the grinning devil. 
'Tis said cats rubbed, will exhibit their nails; 
Also that dogs patted, will wag their tails ; — 
But enough, I have something to do elsewhere, 
That will pay better, than quarreling here ; 
I have something to do for my friend Blumor, 
Who is in jail, — so sj)eaks Madam Rumor. 
1 cant be idle when Ids honor's at stake,. 
To liberate him, some efforts I'll make. 

Ilau. Does his wife know of his incarceration,. 
His life burial, and premature disgrace ? 

Bux. No sir, she has not received the news yet, 
'Tis better its so, for she would weep and fret. 

llau. Come away — come on — we must inform her 
Instantly ; I pity the good woman ; — * 

A finer lady I never saw ; 
Her husband's fate, will press heavily upon her. 

\_Exeunt Bux. and Ilau.'] 

Good. I am alone, having gull'd two clever 
Fellows, as it regards my intentions ; 
I am resolv'd to gull the prison 
Of its noblest iimiate, the most worthy man, 
"Who ever represented a free people 
In Congressional Halls, the champion of 
Liberty ! Yes, Blumer I'll deliver. 
Or die in the attempt ; — he is no sea 



THE POLITICIANS, 19 

Weed, to float the -wave ; no lilade of grass, 

No bundle of fodder, to be cram'd away 

In a dark corner, beyond the hght of day. 

We need him in these dangerous times. 

When the world is naught but a composition 

Of mobs, and black-hearted desperadoes. 

Caring neither for established rights, 

Or prohibited wrongs. We need him as 

As alight, set upon a bushel, to dispel 

The clouds of political commotion. 

And vindicate his party's i-ights, which are 

Assail'd by demagogues and squirts, expectant 

For office. We need him I say, and here's 

A head, that never dodged a bullet ; 

Here's a body, that fronted danger iu 

All its attitudes ; here's an arm, that fought ia 

The war of Mexico, and here's my well 

Temper'd blade, that did mischief in the 

Roaring battles, and with it I can sever 

The dungeon grates as gossamer webs, as 

Cornstalks, and conduct Blumor, the Demigod 

Politician, triumphant from such a 

Place, fi'om such a hole, from such a hell. [_Uzit.'] 

Scene II. — A Room in Blumor's House. 

Servt. Some ones knocks. 

Mrs. B. Open the door. \_Servant opens and goes oiit.'^ 
Enter Buxton and Hautiiokn. 

3Irs. B. Walk in gentlemen, you are my husband's 
Friends, your welcome to his house, welcome to 
His hospitalities ; be seated, make yourselves 
At home. Any news, any tidings 
From my husband ? He's making many friends, 
I hope. 

Hau. He's well, but — 

Mrs. B. Leave out the but, if he's well, that's joy 
Enough to hear. 

Hau. But he has been in prison i 

Mrs. B'. Well, what of that ? 'Tis no disgrace to visit 
Such a place, to pity the poor criminals^" 
Those wretched inmates there, those forlorn 
People, need pity however mean they are ; 
They will bless the hand that lendeth sympathy 
In their helplessness ; my husband's 
Familiarity with the unfortunate, 
Does not frighten me ; he's pure, and blameless, 
Nor wiU the prison's contagion, hang to 
His garments. 



20 THE POLITICIANS. 

Hau. But he is in prison now. 

Mrs. B, Well, that only proves him a charitable 
Man ; his being there, this act, and similar 
Acts of chai-ity, -will console him, -when 
He is old, and life decayed. 

Hau. But he is in prison for disobedience 
To our laws. 

Mrs. B. I believe it not, none is more 
Obedient, noble, good, than Henry 
Blumor. When a boy, at sufferings, he 
Would sadden ; if his parents were sick, he 
Would refuse his food, and weep ; if his 
Neighbors swore, he would weep at their 
Profanities ; he was a peace-maker to his 
Little playmates at school, and always 
Obedient to his teacher ; now has he 
Fallen from obedience, to disobedience ? 
From honor, to dishonor? — no, I believe 
It not ! — you are trifling with me, in 
Relating this unfounded news. 'Tis a 
Flying report, that you have magnified. 
Added to, knowing that I love my husband 
Tenderly, to vex me in his absence ! 
What, in prison for disobedience to our laws 1 — 
1 believe it not. 

Hau. But he is in prison for theft. 

Mrs. B. You are liars, — 'tis false, — 'tis false. (Faints.) 

[llAVTHOnji, f7-if/hte7ied, rinffs for servant.^ 
Enter Servant. 

Ser. What's wanting ? 

Hau. Essences, — essences, — cinnamon, — peppermint, — 
Paregoric, — laudanum, quick ; quick ; I'll 
Break your skull. 

Ser. Yes sir; Oh ! my lady's ill. (Exit.) 

Hau. I believe she is dead, her pulses 
Refuse to beat ; the blood has deserted 
Her face ; 'tis as pale as paper ; her tongue, , 

That sang so sweetly, that talk'd so 
Beautifully, will soon be cold. It grates 
The soul, pares it away with sorrow, to 
Think the tongue, that containeth warmth, 
Longer than any other part of the human 
System ; the rattling, prattling part. 
That exciteth mobs, and moveth multitudes, 
Should be cold and stiff between the jaws ; 
The eyes glassy, the limbs motionless ; to die — 
Oh ! ye gods, what an irreparable calamity ! 



THE POLITICIANS. 21 

Re-enter Servant, icith a phial. — Hauthorn holds it to 
3Irs. £.'s nose. 

Buz. I was for not informing her, you would, — 
Now you see, you have done her more harm than good ; 
But it is the way of men over-smart, 
To follow the dictates of their own heart; 
You have been the cause of this lady's death, — 
Your tidings, caus'd her to lose her breath. 
And Hauthorn, if she never gets it back, 
I will desist following in your track. 

Mrs. B. [Recovering.) Gentlemen, help me to arise, 
Don't look at me with such sui-prise, 
You have no joy sirs, in your eyes ; 
I need your assistance, therefore assist me. 
Hauthorn, give me a little wine, 
Or something in the strengthening line ! 
Oh ! you have almost murdered me, with this sad, sad news. 
Do I not look pale and wild, 
I'm weak as a helpless child ; 
Though weak, and feeble I be. 
This night, my husband I'll see : 
To know of him, wherefore the wretched cause 
Of his disobedience to om- laws. 

\_Exeunt, taking Mrs. B. to her apartment.^ 

Scene III. — Outside the prison. — Enter Goodwill, with sword 
in hand, walking towards the prison. 

Good. Within yon craggy walls, beneath their moss 
Eaten roof, lieth Blumor, struggling with 
Fusty vapors, smoking up from cells. 
Saturated with filth, the oifscouring 
Of felons and cut-throats ; he lieth there, 
An unhappy victim to confederate 
Devils ; whose hearts are petrified, whose 
Bowels of compassion are molten sulphur; 
Were they beneath my feet, I'd twist my 
Cimeter as an auger, in their eyeballs ; 
Lift them on its point, as gewgaws ; be 
Drunken with bliss, at their agonies, and 
Throes of suiFerings : the impossibility 
Of such a sweet vengence, maketh me sad ; 
I never felt worse in my life. I could 
Not feel woi'se, were I standing among the dead, 
Or walking slowly down to my own grave ; 
Thou hated vault ; here is the magic blade. 
That will tumble thee with a crash. Leave guards — 
Give me fair play, to throw that prison away. 

Ist. Guard. We are not agents of our will ; we are 
3* 



22 THE POLITICIANS. 

Upon duty, tlie servants of the law, 

And cannot yield to our inclinations. 

We like you as a citizen, and man 

Of valor ; but will neither flee your approach, 

Or be frightened at your violence ; take care. — 

Good. I care for nothing on the earth, or in the skies. 

[Advanci7ig.) 

2nd Guard. Stand back, stand hack ; — if you advance nearer, 
If you do but cross the limits allow'd 
Us, you die ; forbearance is preferable 
To death, — stand back. 

Good. Bid the elephant swallow his proboscis, 
Or the arabian horse to lose his tail. (^Advancing.') 

1st. Guard. Cut him down — bleed him — cripple him. 

Good. Bleed the moon, and cripple the stars. {They Fight.) 

Enter Citizens. 

1st Cit. He's a noble fellow, look how he fights. 

2nd Cit. He has cut down two of the guards. 

1st Cit. They outnumber him now. 

2nd Cit. Yes, he falls. 

1st Cit. I'll take him away. [They go to remove him.) 

Good. Stop friends, let me here rest, 
My blood is ebbing fast ; 
My life is passing away. 
To a bright eternal day ; 
I must quit this barbai-ous gloom, 
By d;y'ing as I do, so soon ; 

Tell Blumor, Goodwill's head, in death was bow'd, 
And by death only, was Goodwill cow'd. 

[Staggering to his feet.) 

1st. Cit. Great God, what eyes. 

Good. Give me the strength of many Sampsons, 
Lead me to the pillars that prop the globe ; 
I'll upset the earth, and ask God 
To let me die with these philistines. [Falls dead.) 

[The body is borne out.) 

Scene IV. — Inside the prison. — Enter M.ViS. Blumok. 

Mrs. B. My husband! [Weeps.) 

Bill. My wife ! [Affected.) 

Mrs. B. They told me you were here ; their sayings were true. 
{After a pause.) An eagle once, had compassion upon 
A serpent, because it had neither wings 
Or feet, and took it in her talons, to 
Show it sights it had not seen. — 
Towards the sun she flew. 
Through the either blue ; 
His snakeship enjoy'd the trip, was pleas'd, 



THE POLITICIANS. 2S 

Dazzled, intoxicated. 

The upper worlds, with pleasure he saw. 

Till his appetite began to knaw; 

Now then quoth he, 

Enough I see ; — ^ 

I've seen the glories that are thine. 

Thou shalt see the glories that are mine ; — 

And winding himself around the eagle, 

She was borne struggling, fluttering back to earth, 

Fetter'd in his coils. You've been compassionate 

To the people - relieved their wants, scattered 

Your wealth among them, like barley corn ; 

Sacrific'd your intellect, in pointing 

Them to glory, and honor — Lilted tlicra 

Above their narrow wants. — Lead them on by 

Your brilliant attainments, 'till vanity 

Made them alike brilliant, and so eager 

For offices and spoils, that you are displac'd. 

To give them a place, ensnar'd on the pathway 

To fame, in the mid heavens, in the political 

Sky ; by their rivalries j'ou are dragg'd down. 

'Twas with their machineries of malice, and 

Bloated enmities, and not as 'tis said 

For disobedience to our laws, that you 

Are immur'd here. As the serpent to the eagle, 

So is Blumor to the people. 
In my eye, you are not disgrac'd, for I 
Know my husband will outlive this shame, and 
Triumph o'er his enemies. 

lilu. Thou load-stone of grief; removal my angel 
Wife. I thank my stai-s for such a wife, nor 
Would I exchange thee for cities full of gold. 
'Tis thy pleasant way, to excuse faults, 
Lighten accidents, and make my burdens 
Easy borne. A perspicious metaphor 
Hast thou ch'awn, wherein I'm excusable, 
And the people blamable. Thou art right ; 
They did imprison me, but I forgive them, 
As I expect to be forgiven. 

Mrs. B. Forgive them \ 
Anathemas be upon the people, when 
Ready to pluck the fruits of expectation : 
May their eyes open upon ruin ; their hands 
Fall upon blasted hopes, handle the 
Scorpion's sting; may their stomach sour 
To refuse their savory dishes ; may they 
Perish, for want of appetite to eat. 
No calamity would scourge them enough. 
Fox- what tiaey have done to you, my husband. 



24 THE POLITICIANS. 

Oh ! think of it, confined in this dark hole 
For naught ; excluded from the panorama 
Of heaven ; the climbing hills, and bowery 
Dales, not a solitary star, or moon's ray, 
To greet the eager gaze ; naught but these 
Stam'd walls, and frightful relics of prior 
Tenants. my husband ! 

Blu. Censtire not the people, they are mistaken ; 
Not to blame, in thinking I'm a guilty wretch ; 
Their thoughts are right, their actions right, and by law 
Exempt from censure. A virtuous people, holds 
In contempt, the man who disrespects his 
Countries laws, and does acts of violence. 
Therefore I'm held in contempt, for 'tis said 
I'm an aggressor, a notable thief, that 
Steals by sleight of hand. My conscience is clear, 
I'm satisfied of my own innocence, 
And have patience to bear all sufiFerings, 
'Till my suppos'd guilt is remov'd, and I'm 
Again the imsulli'd leader of a great 
Political party. Then my wife, we'll 
Embrace the shiftless joys of earth, the 
Lovely trance of better days, enjoy God's beautiful 
Creation, the spangl'd sky, glassy lakes, 
Mossy groves, icteritious flowers, and 
Mountain deck'd huey minarets. 

3[rs. B. ! Henry, let me bend over thee, and 
Touch thy eloquent lips with a kiss ; 
Lighten thy cares and make thee as happy 
As thou wast at oui- honey moons earliest 
Period. Let me pet thee, as thy mother 
Didst in infancy ; — brush back thy locks 
And behold myself in the mirrors of thy soul. 
Thou art so good, to forgive an enemy, 
That in thy forgiveness, I do lose the 
Bitterness of my soul, my rancor, and 
Enmity ; to coincide with thee, my 
Husband, in thy God-like sentiments, 
I will share thy fate ; thy bed, shall be my 
Bed ; but this straw pallet, this filthy room. 
How repugnant. 

Blu. My only star of hope, my gentle wife. 
Were I the wi-etch the people make me ; were 
I dishonor'd in my own opinion, 
Thou shouldst share my fate, to be wretched in 
This prison, to sleep upon this oaken 
Floor, with bugs, and many creeping things, 
I'd drag thee to my level ; without remorse 
For thy sufferings, and gloat upon thy 



THE POLITICIANS. ^5 

Fading beauty. As thou knowcst, I am 

No wrctcji, being a man of honor as 

I am, a woman of obedience as 

Thou art, thou shalt respect mine honor, be 

Obedient still, and seek an abiding 

Place here, to cheer me in confinement; 

Though all places be halloTT'd where thou art. 

This foul air thou must not breathe of thy own 

Accord. 

Mrs. B. I will be obedient to my husband. 
Blu. Then go home ; you have a home of luxm-y, 
With airy rooms aU mirror' d. You have the 
Softest beds, with oil-silken sheets, and damask 
Coverlids, snowy satin pillows, 
Crenulated with rolls of eider-do^vn. 
When thou prayest, art in a devotional 
Act, there are costly sofas for thee to 
Kneel upon ; when thou awaketh from thy 
Slujnbers, soft velvet footstools gallop to 
Thy feet. You have handy servants to do 
Your bidding, and can have ev'ry temporal 
Wish gratified. 'Tis a desirable home, 
Therefore go to it — remain there — if thou 
Wouldst be a comfort to thy husljand. 

Mrs. B. I will go, adieu, adieu, my husband! [Going.) 
Jailor. Through this door, mam ; — this is the door. 

[They come to a grave.) 
Mrs. B. Why, here's a grave ! 
Jailor. Yes mam. 
Mrs. B. Whose grave is it ? 
Jailor. Goodwill's. 

Mrs. B. Goodwill's ! My husband's friend, who lost his life 
In attempting his rescue. I will show him 
Some tribute of respect. I will kneel 

To his grave. [Kneeling and after a pause.) Most noble Goodwill ! 
Thou lieth beneath this arid hill. Thy 
Magic cimeter will do thee good no more ! 
Brown's confederates may turn it into 
Plough-shares, and pruning-hooks. Thou art lost ; — 
Lost to thy friends, lost to thy party, and 
I mourn thy loss as Rachel weeping for 
Her children. But I do not wish thee back 
Like a Lazarus, for thou wast unhappy 
Here, art happy there ; wast a citizen 
Here, art a subject there ; — thy pure spirit 
Will inhale eternal glory ; gather 
Flowers from amaranthine bowei's ; 
Scrutinize the whole concordant throng of God, 
Which move in cadence to his omnipotent nod, 

4 



26 THE POLITICIAJf^. 

Clad in eternity's vesture, the purple 
Linen of paradise ^ than wilt be a 
Star of Bethlehem, and heaven thy 
Resting place, forever, forever. 



ACT III. 

KcEBE I. — Enter Petocine, Caeral and McPherrie. 

Pet. Believe it not, Carral, that I can weai? a 
Pleasant look, and be cheerful, when baffled 
Thus. I've seen enough of tliis contest, to 
Kaow we are defeated men. Tell me not 
ibbout your hopes, tliey are shadowy, 
Unfraught with interest, and valued as 
A bubble ; I'm a disappointed partisan, 
Gloomy on its account, therefore unfit 
To be consulted, or to consult. 
The head is heavy when the heart is heavy ; 
I'm heavy every where, and a slave 
To depression. 

Car. Let not discouragements wrong you, because 
Your influence availeth aught ; because 
Yoiu' labor is unrewarded, and Brown's 
Defeat seems possible; be active, till 
It is available ; labor^ 'till rewarded ; 
Lift your head above the cun-ent of 
Blighted prospects ; gaze at the world wiffi 
Eagle eyes ; be zealous, the energetic 
Maketh some impressions, which are 
Imperceptible in making ; flag not now. 
At tlie eve of the election, when needed most,. 
When we should appear the most courageous; 
If we weep,, the enemy rejoiceth ; 
If halt, the enemy progresseth ; 
Why allow it, this vantage ground, by clinging 
To dejection, because we are in the 
Minority ; why slaves to melancholy ; 
Despondency brings neither wealth nor honor ; 
Wliy therefore despond ; 'tis a-s a wilted 
Cabbage, a sim-burnt vegetable. 
Because you, and you, are sad, shall I catch. 
The contagion, to droop and soitow, like . 
An old maid, or husliandless lady ? No, 
I will not be frightened, at every thing 
Which secmeth unfavorable to our cause; — 
Political afl'airs may yet change. 
And Brown obtain a victory. 



THE POLITICIANS. 27 

McP. Lets hear no more — hush it up, Carral ; 
Your words are without balm, to disappointments^ 
And but aggi-avations, to sorrow ; — neither 
Of us can arrest impossibilities, 
Or ameliorate our destinies. 
When dejection cometh, it must be borne; 
If there was any preventive, it would 
Never come, being by no means a welcome 
Visitor. 

Car. Well, the world is faulty, I admit, or 
The people who make it ; — you, and you, are 
So, and so is Brown, whose time is spent too 
Much among the ladies. They are his min, 
And make him more a gallant than a 
Politician. 

Enter Errand Bot. 

E. Boy. Gentlemen, Mr. Brown sends his respects, is in 
excellent spirits, has glad tidings to impart, and desires your 
company immediately. 

Car. Come along, lets see what it is. [Exeunt. 1 

Scene II. — A Roo7n in Brown's Mouse. 
(Brown walking and talking.) 

Brown. I'm trembling, every muscle dancing, a 
Consequence of this unexpected luck 
And sudden joy. Cannot I now boast I'm 
Fortune's favor'd chUd, when my opponents threaten'd 
With the lash, disgrac'd, sham'd, beyond the hopes 
Of shame's erasure. My friends must know i^ 
I'm eager to let them know it ; I've sent 
For Petocine, Carral and McPhei-rie. 
My errand boy^s just gone ; only a few 
Moments ; yet those moments seem an hour. 
This impatience, this anxiety, to impart 
This joy — But here they come ! My friends are coming ! 
Enter Petocine, Carral and McPherrie. 

Pet. We came in hasje, be hasty, to let us know 
Your important news, from whence, and wherefore. 

Brown. A few nights ago, my head was bow'd; 
To-night, its an inch taller. A few nights 
Ago, Blumor was the hue and cry ; 
To-night, with the populace, it's damn Blumor, 
And hurrah for Brown ! This is glorious 
News, for a once hopeless candidate. 

Pet. Glorious. But how do you accoimt for this 
Mutability among the people ? 

Broivn. Blumor has committed rolxbery, or 
Theft, for which he is imprisoned. 



28 THE POLITICIANS. 

Pet. Imprisoned ! — Indeed thou tcllest vis good news. 
Why Brown, your election's safe. — This thrilling 
News, it has erected all my faculties ; 
I can toss my hat like a rampant boy, 
And leap Uke a wild deer at it. 

Brown. More news I have, that bulldog Goodwill, 
Attempting to rescue Blumor, was kill'd. 

Pet. Good, good, better still, excellent. — Have you 
Any whiskey here ? These lips must sip it ; 
This mouth must drink it. OJi ! for a cb-am to 
Soothe this boisterous gratification. 
This intelligence, my dear sir, will add 
Months and years to my existence. I must 
Stantl upon my head, as a manifestation 
Of my satisfaction and entire content. 

McP. I'll follow suite. [Stand upon their heads.) 

Brown. They have gone beside themselves, their heads are 
Where their feet should be. They must be either 
Giving their heels a chance to rejoice, or 
Else they have downward tendencies. — Push 
Them over, Carral, as a preventive to 
An eruption. [Pushes them over.) 

Car. Get up, gentlemen, and don't give the lie 
To the Philosopher, who says there is 
Reason in all things. There is no reason 
In exchanging the larger for the 
Smaller vessel, the head for the feet. 
And crossing the limits of politeness. 

McP. If I'm elated in an irregular 
And tumultuous manner, customs and 
Decorums shall not restrain that elation. 
I care neither for limits nor bounds, and 
Will be flexible to my own appetites. 
When joy cometh, I'll take it, the whole hog 
Or none ; and who has the right sir, to advise 
Me in its participations, littles 
By littles ; its reception thus, would not 
Be apparent, nor lift me above my 
Daily monotony. I've been laboring 
So long, under the calculation of 
Party defeat, that you should not take 
Exceptions to my method of rejoicing, 
When defeat is no longer possible, 
But remov'd, as by magic. Can't you rejoice ? 
Are you not glad of Blumor's downfall ? 

Car. I'm both glad, and sorry ; glad because 
Brown will get elected, sorry because Blumor 
Is disgrac'd ; yet it makes him popular 
To my notion ; for being thiis, he's without 



THE POLITICIANS. 29 

Injury to our party, and those Tvho 

Can do us but a little injury, 

Are more popular, more desen-ino;, than 

Those who can do us a greater injury. 

He's dead now politically ; and when 

Our enemies are dead, 'tis then only 

We acknowledge their virtue. We can afford 

To praise Blumor more since his disgi-ace. 

Than before it. 'Twill do us good, to gather 

Up all his laudable deeds, and mumble 

Out a few oral regrets, that a man 

So remarkable for such, so talented. 

So useful to his country, should disgrace 

Himself, at the acme of his glory. 

If in sympathizing with enemies. 

We gain friends, I must praise the fallen 

Candidate ; who has never spoke without a laurel, 

Never convers'd without making an impression, 

Never resolv'd, but what it was done. 

Yea, I will go further, and say the whole 

State should be insulted on his account, 

At Ills imprisonment. 

Broiini. I scarce can understand him ; sorry for 
Disgrace, yet disgrace is popular ! But 
Let it pass ; for disgi'ace and popularity 
Travel separate roads. And you'd make friends 
With sympathy ; a strange notion indeed 
It is. What, say the whole state's insulted 
On his account? Is that the way you'd make 
A friend ? I think, sir, you'd make an enemy. 
I dislike your sympathy, lop it off; 
Our party is broad enough for all 
Our sympathies ; we have none to give rogues ; 
They'll not get mine — fii-st let them rot and fester. 
I'm for Brown, my sympathies are with Brown ; 
Not that he is a man of color, but 
For self interest ; because Brown is for Brown. 
I'm in for ray election, nor do I wish 
To be thwarted with your sympathies ; 
Throw them away, as my expectations are up ; 
Let youi- aims be to secure my election. 

Car. Its security depends upon management, 
Not altogether mine, but mostly yours ; 
I will manage some, you must manage more ; 
Love the people, the men more, the women less ; 
The men can vote, the women cannot ; 
Your time has been employ'd too much in 
Courting Miss Essence. Many votes you lost 
By it, prior to Blumor's disgrace. You must 



30 THE POLITICIANS. 

Court the men till the election, and j\Iiss 
Essence after ; — if you -would make its surety- 
More sure. 'Twas late when we came, its getting 
Later. — Come friend, we'll now adjourn, and do 
Oui' talking at another time. \^Ezeiint P. C. and 3IcP.^ 

Enter Post Boy, with papers. 

P. B. Mr. Brown, I've brought your papers. 

Brown. Very well sir, hand them here; 'tis said you 
Ai-e going to vote for Blumor. 

P. B. I am at it — having always voted so, 
I expect to vote so again. 

Broicn. You are then, a party man, right or wrong, 
And doubly wrong to support Blumor, 
A thief, a rogue, who'U soon be brought to shame, 
With a public trial. 

P. B. What's he going to be tried for? 

Brown. Larceny. 

P. B. What's larceny ? You are a lawyer, explain it. 

Brown. Larceny is the feloniously taking 
Away the goods and chattels of another. 

P. B. Your pronunciation is bad, which did he 
Take, the goods or the cattle ? 

Broicn. Chattels are of two kinds, personal and real ; 
He took the personal chattels. 

P. B. You must have lost a tooth, or of a sudden 
Become Dutcliy. Cattle of two kinds, the 
Personal and real ! Well, the real 
Must be those that are fat, and the personal 
Those that are lean. 

Brown. " Chattels real, are such as concern or 
.Savor of the realty, as terms for years of land." 

P. B. Worse still, this time its chatteral. I'll never 
Vote for a man that can't say cattle. 
You have lost the use of your head, as well as 
Your tongue. Your reason hath taken its flight. 
And left in its stead foolishness. I can 
Listen at it; but I'm a fool, if I 
SufiFer myself to be treated as a fool ; 
My ox is fat, thei'efore he's cattle real; 
But to say he's-a term for years of land. 
Is a bald-headed lie. 

Brown. Mind how you talk, else your freedom of speech 
Will lead to chastisement. 

P. B. What sort of a place is that ? 

Brown. A place where fools are well treated. See you 
This cane ? A few energetic raps with 
This, upon thy silly head, is the place. 

P. B. I'll leave — its time to leave, when big men like 



THE POLITICIANS. 31 

You, wax wratliy, and talk of rewarding 
Ignorance with punishment. Bhimor's worth 
A half a dozen such as you ; I've never 
Known him to insult a man, however 
Feeble in opinion, or mean in appearance. 
Blumor is my candidate. 

Brown. Blumor is an ass, sir. 

P. E. He's no common ass, sir, and the man who 
Calls him thus, is doubly an ass. 

Brown. Thou dog ; thou bundle of insults. Have you 
Ever seen a muddy river, its banks 
Overflowed with rushing waters ? 

P. B. I have, sir. 

Brown. What made it muddy ? 

P. B. The mud, sir, 

Broivn. Well, simpleton, as mud stains the waters, 
So passions stain the soul. You are to me, 
As mud to water ; have stirr'd me up ; 
I'm mad, inundated with anger ; 
Yet the man of honor, should not notice the 
Low-born cur ; — else I'd flog you co-instanti. 
Twould be a dishonorable act, making 
You my equal ; nevertheless, I scarce 
Can refraiu from doing so. Therefore — leave — ^leave. 

\_Bzeunt Brown, kicking at Post Boy."} 

Scene III. — A Trial in the Court House, after the sitting of the 
Judge, and empanneling the Jury. 

Solicitor. May it please your Honor, the first case 
Upon the docket, is one of larceny. 
Buttercock vs. Blumor. 

Judge. Is the defendant ready for trial ? 

Blu. I'm ready, may it please yovu' Honor. 

Judge. The Solicitor will proceed with the case. 

Sol. Mr. Sheriff, call Joler, June, Can-acat, Shanks and 
FeiTOst, into Coui-t. {They enter.) 

Sol. Come forward, Mr. Joler, I'll examine 
You first. Go on, tell his Honor and 
Gentlemen of the Jury, all about 
Buttei'cock's pocket-book. 

Jol. Bliunor stole the book, sii\ 

Sol. Did you see him steal it ? 

Jol. I did, sir. 

Sol. Well, tell all about it ; how it was taken ; 
When and where. 

Jol. 'Twas taken in the street, where we, the witnesses, 
Were group'd together, talking with Mr. Blumor, 
About his fair prospects of election, 



32 THE POLITICIANS. 

And other trifling matters, for the 
Amusement of the crowd. We cheer'd him up, 
Made him bouyant with hope, in proft'cring 
Our support, and iu pledging him our votes. 
A man seem'd never to rejoice more, 
At this addition to liis party ; 
And in the heiglit of his gayety, 
He said he felt himself highly flatter'd 
With our intentions, and commenced shaking 
Cordially oui- hands, as if we were old friends. 
While doing so, and going thi'ough this 
Ceremony with his right hand, his left 
Did wander, fovmd its way in Buttercock's 
Pocket, and lifted therefrom all his wealth, 
His plenarious pocket-book. 

Sol. What then did he do ynth it ? 

Jol. Cramm'd it slyly in his own pocket. 

Sol. Has he ever been suspicion'd of such things before ? 

Jol. His neighbors do give him a bad name, and 
Deem him a man of e^^l deeds ; for several 
Years ago, some of them were plundered 
On the way home from marketable towns, 
Robb'd of money justly gotten in the 
Vendition of the annual products 
Of their land. About that time, Blumor prosper'd; 
His neighbor's losses seem'd to be his gain ; 
Circumstances were against him, and the 
People had their thoughts. 

Judge. That's not admissible evidence. 
Nor can it have any bearing for the plaintiff, 
Or against the defendant. 
The witness must confine himself to the 
Case in esse; his doubtful sui'mises, and 
Distant conjectm-es, have naught to do 
With the suit pending. 

Sol. Stand aside, Mr. Joler. 

Judge. (^To the Solicitor.) To save time, and expedite the 
Business of the Goui-t, let the other witnesses 
Be sworn, as to the verity of Joler's 
Testimony. 

Sol. Come forward, gentlemen. Do each of you 
Solemnly swear, what the witness says is 
The truth, the whole truth, and nothing else bvrt 
The tinith, so help you God? {Thcij kiss the book.) 

Sol. I'm through with the witnesses, your Honor. 

Judge. Has the defendant any questions to ask ? — 
Any witnesses to examine ? 

JJlii. None at all, may it please yotir Honor. 

Judge. The Solicitor then will adtkcss the Jury. 



THE POLITICIANS. 33 

Sol. May it please your Honor, and gentlemen of 
The Jui-y : — This is one of the most 
Palpable cases that ever occurr'd in the state, 
Wherein the defendant is guilty ; 
Being so, the Court expects a verdict 
Guilty at your hands. I see no other 
Alternative, but ponder the case well. 
If you find a chance to acquit him, 
I'll be proud of his acquittal, for he's 
Faultless in all things, save this ; and I do 
Give him credit for his hitherto 
Exemplary life : this his misfortune 
I regret, it gives me pain, it must be 
Painful to all intelligent men : but 
Hbwever painful, my duty I must 
Perform it, and admonish you to abide 
The testimony that proves him guilty, 
Inasmuch as you are sworn to do it : 
'Twill save your consciences, and justice hold 
In its regular coui\se. There is none, no man 
Bless'd with the spirit of Christianity, 
Who rejoiceth in the sufferings of 
His fellow-men. You are christian men, and 
Will give relief as far as you are able. 
If it was not for the law this day, you 
Would acquit Blumor, for I perceive the 
People like him, irrespective of his 
Unlicens'd conduct. Yes, gentlemen, you 
Would acquit him, and have happy consciences 
At having done a charitable act ; 
At having justified an aggressor, 
With a decision, without pxmishment. 
Without guilt ; though wrong, you are forgiven, — 
Go sin no more. You are merciful, and 
Mercy is the predominant trait of 
A tender-hearted man. As charity 
Begins at home, so should mercy : we should 
Be merciful first to ourselves, then to 
Our neighbors ; for if we do pity the 
Guilty, and give countenance to their actions, 
We cheat ourselves, weaken our securities, 
And render our laws less available ; 
Then the law should be of no effect. 
'Tis better to suppress your sympathies, 
Give up natm-al, for legal determinations, 
As the duty we owe to our countiy, 
In conforming to its laws, is paramoimt 
To individual duty. I ask 
You gentlemen, should a multitude of 
5 



34 THE POLITICIANS. 

Men be injtir'd for the benefit of 

One man ? You must think not ; I thhik not, 

Though it has been the case. Excitement and 

The magnetism of oratory, have 

Lifted human reason above all bounds 

Of justice and equality ; 

Thwarted fix'd purposes; converted decisions 

To indecisions ; intoxicated sobriety ; 

Stagger'd the calculating ; 

Mov'd all things to its pliauces and touch; 

Disenthrall'd thraldom ; snatches the hopeless wretch 

From the bowels of ready death ; acquitted 

Felons, to the harm and deterioration 

Of communities. I know you have 

Sympathies for tlie defendant ; if appeal'd 

To, you should not forget yourselves, but be 

Men. Because Blumor is rich, and talented, 

'Tis no inducement to show him either 

Favors or leniencies ; treat him as 

You would the poor and ignorant ; meet 

Unjust actions with the tributes of justice. 

Let all offences be treated rigorously 

And alike ; whether the offender 

Be rich or poor, noble or ignoble; — 

For the law's without partiality. 

And applicable to all alike. 

Furthermore, if Blumor's not punished, as- 

An example for the benefit of others, 

Some will follow his example, be lead 

Astray, drifted afloat, entangled in 

Difficulties, under the light of false 

Colors and impressions. If such privileges 

Are: allow'd a distinguished person with 

Impunity, they should be allow'd a person 

Without distinction. To safety, justice, 

One must be ti-eated like another ; 

All having access to the same lights and 

Privileges. Therefore you must bring the 

Defendant in guilty, who justly deserves 

Such a verdict, not only for disgrace 

To himself and kindred, but for disappointing 

His many friends, who gave him their support, 

Througli thick and thin, raised him to enviable 

Positions, made him a leader in this great 

State ; a bright star at our national helm, 

Proudly brilliant, till ruin'd by stealth, 

The robbery of honest Buttercock ; — 

Then his gloss and glory fled, and all Lis 

Greatness seem'd a fable. 



THE POLITICIANS. 35 

Blu. May it please your Honor, and gentlemen 
Of the jury : — How i« it, am I a rogue ? 
'Tis proven so, by men of honor. Yet 
I am no rogue ; as free from it as an 
Infant, or an idiot, whose without 
The knowledge of all rogueries; but I am 
Unable to impress you with this belief. 
Accus'd falsely as I am, to overwhelm 
Me in disgrace : I'm ruin'd, but to affect 
It, my enemies stand perjur'd, and 
Will some day get their deservings. 
Nothing I deny, as 'tis right, freely admit 
Things as they are. The pocket-pook was found 
About my person ; but when and how it 
Got there, I cannot tell. The witness's say 
They know ; have sworn I slyly stol'd it. 
'Tis not so. — They are liars ! Being unable 
To make inroads upon mine honor 
By fair means, they did resort to foul; 
Entangled me in their machinations. 
What can I expect, a man ensnar'd, thus caught; 
Not your sympathy, for you've been 
Exhorted to refuse me that ; though innocent^ 
I have no hopes of an acquittal. 
Disgrace stares me in the face ; of my 
Situation I am aware, and would 
Exchange it with felons. If whipp'd, I live 
To know my shame; if hung, death's preferable. 
For with it, all tribulations are ended. 
And animosities hush'd. Were I guilty, 
I could expect nothing at your hands, 
For that's an h-removable stain. 
Human assuranc's and decrees can stay 
Punishments, stop executions, but 
Heaven's prerogative only can wash the 
Guilty mind, and extract unhallow'd tints 
From man's base fabric; false eloquence may 
Misguide, but not relieve the guilty. 
Were I cheer'd up, exhilerated with 
Stirring music, with a brass band, at ev'ry 
Pause in declamation, I could not 
Remove guilt ; the jarring voice, attun'd 
To a key of melody, utter'd in low 
Strains of fervor, cannot remove guilt. — 
Thank God I'm not guilty, and with tliis 
Assertion, can look Gods or devils in 
The face. My body may be slain, not my soul. 
The flesh may be flay'd, punish'd, while the 
Soul, the spirits untouch'd ; but the one has 



30 THE POLITICIANS. 

Sympathy for tlie other. Cruelties 
And svifferings will beud the will, and make 
It subject to tyrants. Men will flinch at pain. 
And cry aloud, under rack and torture, 
And under which cruel process, they will 
Do, and promise any thing, renounce their 
Pi-inciples to get relief; but when reliev'd 
Will disregard their promises, and live 
According to long establish'd notions. 
At pain and miseries, I have a horror, 
And like some, could never suffer martyrdomism 
For religious opinions, or any favorite 
Principle. I would renounce all, and whatever 
I could not avow in public, would 
Ciierish in secret; would be a hypocrite 
Through necessity ; take the shortest cuts to 
Get i-elief ; — like a slave chastis'd, who says 
Any thing to appease his master's wrath, 
For which he's unaccountable. 'Tis his 
Mode of relief from pain. A person stricken 
With cbolic, will ficcly take the strongest 
Medicines, or any thing to quite the 
Convuls'd system. If you make me guilty. 
As a consequence, if scotu-g'd, I may ask 
Mercy at the hands of my enemies ; 
A thing which I cannot do as I am. 
They have me on the hip, in a desperate 
Box. The witness's are my enemies, 
For they do not belong to my party. 
They say I stol'd the money ; this I 
Have denied. I had the money, but without 
My knowledge. As soon as 'twas discover'd, 
As soon as I found its owner, all my 
Wealth was profier'd to compromise this 
Matter, which was refus'd ; disgrace and 
Corporal punishment, being more desirable. 
Considerations like these, should awaken 
Doubts. If you have a doubt I'm not guilty, 
But under the impositions of demons 
And false-hearted men, upon this plea you 
Can acquit me ; if otherwise, do your 
Duty. I'm ready for the worse, and must 
Submit to your decision. 

Judge. You can take the case, gentlemen of the jury; 
'Tis so plain, a charge is unnecessary ; 
So plain, that boys of fifteen could decide it ; 
So simple, " a wayfaring man, though a fool, 
Therein need not err." [The Jury retire.) 

Blu. May it please your Honor, that the jury 



THE POLITICIANS. 37 

Will convict me I am sure ; at least I 

Labor under this impression: feel 

Over anxious for my fate, as if really 

Guilty, and beg mercy that my penalty 

Be light. My disgrace and shame you cannot 

Remedy ; 'twill follow me to the grave. 

But in the stead of corporal punishment, 

You can exact my wealth, to compensate 

Mine injur'd enemy, and fill the coffers 

Of the state ; at which I'll be satisfied, 

And pass through the world poor and penniless, 

To be exempted from the lash. — But enough, 

The jury are returning. 

Judge. Gentlemen, are you agreed ? 

Foreman. Agreed. 

Judge. What's the verdict ? 

Foreman. The defendant guilty. 

Bill. Just as I expected. Your Honor will 
Not swei-ve from justice. Your Honor will not 
Blemish his legal eclat, in adjudging 
Me a humane penalty ; — but why not? 
I do protest my innocence ; should an 
Angel protest it, a million witness's, 
The hills, mountains, murmuring ocean 
Echo it, I could not be more innocent. 
Then most noble Judge, touch me with your 
Legal scepter ; treat an innocent man 
With commisseration ; demand his wealth for 
Reparation ; let his fortunes be forfeited 
To the state, but don't subject his person 
To the lash. Let your humanity 
Extend thus far, and I, a disappointed 
Humble man, will be indebted to your 
Honor, the remnant of my life. 

Judge. I cannot believe you, without disbelieving 
The honorable witness's. You may be 
Innocent, but your bold bearing, and open 
Countenance, is an unwise criterion 
To go by. Your tongue is oily, and with 
It, yovi can partly hide your faults and 
Spotted character, as the creeping snail, 
Conceal'd in its portable shell, we do 
Not see it, but we know its there. From looks 
Or jestures, I do not pei-ceive your guilt. 
But I know you are guilty, or why should 
Men of honor, science, learning, affirm it 
With an oath ? — To effect your ruin, could 
Not induce such men to perjury. 
You are guilty, sir, and I regret it. — 



38 THE POLITICIANS. 

But as this is the first offence, I must 

Be lenient, though not in exacting 

Your wealth, for that would leave you poor; 

But in making your penalty light. — 

For offences like yours, it has ever 

Been the custom to punish the offender 

With thirty-nine stripes. You shall receive but 

Half that number, which is nineteen and a 

Half. The Sheriff will conduct you hence, 

And inflict the penalty. 

Sher. May it please yoiu' Honor, I don't know 
How to strike half a lick. 

Judge. Nothing easier ; after giving him 
Nineteen strokes, split your paddle, and with one- 
Half, give him another. \_Exeunt all to the ivhipping block.'\ 



ACT IV. 

Scene I. — Three weeks after the trial. — A Room in Blvmor'g 
House. — Hauthorn ajid Buxton, unobseri^ed, heard Blumor 
giving vent to his meditations. 

Blu. I am what I should not be, ruin'd without 
A cause, unjustly scourg'd, an atom curs'd, 
Bruis'd in the scale of the universe. Thou 
Great Judge of right and wi'ong ; ! ye supernal 
Powers, sufferest thou the innocent 
Thus used ; trampled down by ostentatious 
Devils. As vengeance is thine, let my wrongs 
Quickly be aveng'd, and my enemies 
Nonplus'd. How long must they triumph ? How 
Long exult at my dessolation and 
Miseries ? ! lift my feet from this pit 
Of miry clay ! Let me be freed from the 
Schemy tricks and vile ingenuities 
Of my vile race, or I can never show 
My face more, never be seen more, but must 
Be a lasting reproach to the virtuous 
And law-loving people, "of my own, my 
Native land." 

Hau. (^Coming up from behind.) You never will, sir, the day 
Is not far distant, when Henry Blumor, will scintillate 
The brightest star in the galaxy of 
Our Union ; and rise roughshod o'er his 
Present ungodly enemies. Life now may 
Seemingly be a curse ; and hope, hopeless. 
You are in trouble, you look so, and I 
Judge so, having purposely overheard 



THE POLITICIANS. 39 

Your words of despondency. Trouble must 
Have its course. You can lose nothing more 
Than is already lost ; to withdraw from 
The political field, some would judge it 
The consequence of guilt. It ill becomes 
The statesman, to brood o'er his wrongs in 
Melancholy indolence ; for he must 
Take that which cannot be averted. 
So must we all. You've been unfortunate, 
That we know : for your misfortimes fell 
Heavily upon your friends. They have 
Consulted for your interest, and its 
Their advice that you remain a candidate. 

Bill. If there was any chance, any possible 
Chance to get elected, or to advance 
]\Iy party interest, I would follow 
Their advice, and labor as I was want 
In my pabniest days. There is no chance; 
Mine is a hopeless future ; without 
Political faith ; without popularity ; 
Without courage, and manly confidence. 
Therefore look up some other man to head 
Our party ; and here thoughtful let me be, 
Till time exhausts each passion, checks each thought, 
Which wander tunmltuously o'er the 
Incidents of life, from youth till manhood. 

Ilau. We'll have no other man, we'll seek no other 
Man ; you are our candidate, the people's 
Choice ; and your services are needed in 
The field. Brown's daily canvassing, making 
Public speeches. You ai-e not afraid of Bi-own; 
Then meet him ; — if defeated, you'll have many 
Sympathizers ; if elected, the plaudets 
Of triimiph will jar the state. Leave this 
Your retreat, be cheerful and circulate 
Among the people. 

Blu. Be cheerful ! Is this yoitr advice ? A man 
Chastis'd, wrong'd, as I am. Why, sir, 'tis 
Impossible; — and circulate among 
The people ; meet their rebuk's, be scrutiniz'd 
Hy the finger of scorn; designated 
A thief. — I never can, sir ; my prosperous 
Days are ended ; the fire which once burn'd 
In my soul, seems to have gone out. I would 
Be mad; assume the appearance of the 
Maniac ; foam like the wild boar, to ignite, 
To kindle only a spark of that fire, 
Wliich purified once the feelings of my 
Nature, modelling them into language 



40 THE POLITICIANS. 

And sentiment, divinely beautiful. 

How irksome it is to labor, pant, move, 

Restlessly desire something and obtain 

Nothing. Is the soul dead, when it seems brilliant. 

Thinks brilliant, but neither acts or speaks brilliant ? 

If not, 'tis better to be not flatter' d 

With such useless brilliancies. Of what profit 

Is a grand conception, invention, or 

Any thing else, if it remains burri'd 

In the soul ? My talent, and every useful 

Acquirement, must now fall uselessly 

About me ; my soul become torpid, and 

The fire which hitherto made it fruitful 

Of imagination, must make it dross. 

But if the world had all my thoughts from the 

Years of discretion up, ev'ry wild fancy 

That compass'd me about, in an irregular 

And tumultuous manner, I would be 

•Satisfied ; rather be what I am than 

The greatest genius that ever liv'd. 

I would sit crown'd the mental Andes of 

The Universe, and my hoary summit 

Would be laden with the gratitude and 

Praises of posterity. 

Hau. You are an extraordinary man, 
Have gather' d earthly honors, pull'd down 
Prurient vice; reap'd fame, immortal as 
The sea ; beautiful as the rainbow. 
Encircling God's horizon. But the great 
Difiiculty is in making you believe it. 
Men of talent genius, are timid, wilful 
Beings : — you are so, else one gross shame could 
Ne'er reduce^nature's favor'd child, to 
Irresolution and inaction. 
Repel timidity, unpopular misgivings ; 
Meet calmnly the scowling look of incens'd 
Enemies. You have nothing to tlread ; 
You are not dead, Blumor, lift up your head ; 
Behold thy attainable jail glimmering 
Distantly ; bequeath thy gloom to specters ; 
Rise like a Neptune out of the sea ; 
Thy prosperous days, sir, are not ended, — 
Far from it ; no band of demagogues. 
No party clique, can bar thy future glory ; 
'Twill be as lasting as the hill, where thou 
Didst play a shepherd's boy, and taught thy 
Dog to bark. I beseech you, by childhood's 
Recollections ; by wife and beautious offspring ; 
Be advis'd by friends, and you'll escape the 
Gauntlet of dishonor. 



THE POLITICIANS. 41 

JSiix. (^Coming lip from behind.) Come, come, frieud Blumor, 
'Twill never do ; from this quiescent spot, you must issue ; 
Go forth a politician as of yore, 
And act as you have acted heretofore. 
To be punish'd, whipp'd, is no disgrace, 
If the whipping is judged out of place ; 
This thing, strive to make the people believe, 
And a great alteration you'll perceive. 
Care neither more for rebiikes or slander, 
Than the farmer does for his cackling gander. 
Reproaches in the end will flee the brow, 
Of the many who persecute you now. 
If, sir, you are a victim of abuse, 
You can make it of profitable u,<e ; 
Proclaim, cry persecution, like a man. 
And yoiu- great party -will keep in the van. 
Why if some only had your luck and chance, 
They'd think themselves elected at a glance ! 
He who takes by stealth another's fat pig. 
Makes him none the loss a federal whig ; 
Who purloins his neighbor's favorite cat, 
Can be still a punctual democrat. 
The people want something to talk about. 
You can be their theme ; — then, sir, come out ; 
Roll thy wheel of fortune through the masses. 
And trample down all political asses. 

Blu. Urge me no further, T will yield, remain 
Your candidate, though 'tis a bitter pill. 
Against my wishes, against self-interest; 
Biit I will respect your wishes, make them 
Preferable to my own; — and my opponeiit 
I'll meet him, at his next appointment. 
When is that ? 

Hau. On Wednesday next, at the Village Corkscrew, 
His native place. 

Blu. Think you he'll be there ? 

Hau. Yes indeed, if not detain'd by Miss Essence, 
The Maid of Siu-ry. 

Blu. The Maid of Surry ! 'Twas thought once she did 
Reject him. 

Hau. She did, but being now without opposition, 
And deem'd a promising candidate, she 
Has given him inducements, to renew his suit. 

Bux. And he has renow'd it, and woo's her, 
As if he will never woo another. 

Hau. I pity her, the woman who weds him ; 
A wild, rattling, unsettled being, shifty 
As the breeze, will be miserable, rue it 
Her whole existence. (Enter Servant.) 

Ser. Supper's ready. 

Blu. Come, sreutlemeu, vralk into supper. [Exeunt aU.'\ 
(3 



42 THE POLITICIANS'. 

Scene II. — A Room in iliss Essence's [Maid of Surry,) House. 

3Iaid of S. Delia, arrange this room, put it in order j 
I'll soon be visited by Mr. Brown, my lover. 

Delia. What, my Mistress, another visit 
So soon as this ? — surely he's smitten to 
The core. 

3Iaid of S. I am smitten; he is smitten; being smitten 
Thus, we enjoy each other's society. 
I love him Delia, but must neither 
Be too eager to let him know it, or 
Seem anxious to see him. Therefore, I'll go 
To my room. You know your duty, to give 
Intelligence of his arrival. \_Exit.^ 

Enter Beown. 

JBron-n. Delia, how do yon do ? 

Delia. Not so very well, I thank you, sir ; 
Not so veiy well. We people in the city, 
Do not take the exercise that the people 
In the country do, by far : and when we 
Omit, when we are derelict in taking 
Our accustom'd exercise, in promenadmg 
The streets, we generally do it 

By propelling our arms tlius, [striking her cAcs/.)— "The first, 
The last, the best, the Cincinnatus of the West; — 
The first, the last, the best, the Cincinnatus of the West." 

Drown. What vanity, what vanity : — give this 
Card to your Mistress, vain girl. \_Exetmt Delia meeting Maid o/5] 

Re-enter jMaid of S. 
Brown. (Singing.) She advances, she advances, 
AVhat pretty sweet glances; 
How nicely and easily she skips. 
What red parted dewy lips. 
3Iaid of S. (Sings.) Dear Johnnie, when last we met, 
'Twas known we had met before ; 
You left with the regret. 
That we would meet no more. 
Broum. That's magical, — that's magical, — sing on 
Thou pretty Maid of Surry. 

Maid of S. Excuse me, I cannot, oh ! I'm so 
Hoarse ; but you are not, then sing for me ; 
Y^our voice it is so pleasant, its melody 
So touching. Now sing — remember your promises. 
Brown. (Sings.) Maid of Smry, may I ask 
A blessing thou canst give. 
In thy love, may I bask, 
And in tliy presence live. 
Maid of Suriy, shelter me 
From every care and pain,. 
Still nearer, neai'er be, 
A parat-lise to gaiu. 



THE POLITICIANS. 43 

Maid of SuiTj, be thou mine, 

To ease my troubled breast, 

And I too will be thine, 

To give thy soul sweet rest. 
Maid of S. I will be thine ! — My love for thee exteudeth 
From the Zenith to the Nadir ; but since 
I am so candid, you must be candid 
In return ; make known the bounds and limits 
Of thy love. O tell me what is love. 

Brown. 'Tis a blessed human passion, exciting 
The arteries, aft'ecting the system 
In toto ; and if that thy head )jo the 
Zenith, my love extendeth from the Zenith 
To the Centre ; and remains there to sip its fill, 

In obeying voluptuous will, — 
And then — I can't describe it, but thou canst, 
gentle Mary. 

Maid of S. Love is as beautiful, as the heliocentric 
Rays of heaven, shining upon the spiral 
Bosom of celestial chaos. Love 
Swells the bosom, buoys the system, lightens 
The burden, irradiates the counteiiance, 
Not only of man, but woman. Who hath not 
Beheld some fairy damsel, blushing M'ith 
Maiden purity ? Who hath not paus'd before 
Such a sacred vision, while his soul burns 
With unearthly ardor ? It makes the 
Lillipvitian feel gigantic, and 
The giant as huge as some towering 
Chimborazo. Away, away with the heart 
That cannot love; I will love, it's my only 
Solace. 

Brown. And it's my only solace, too, which gives 
Me eagle eyes, rosy cheeks, and a 
Delicious, unaccountable, giddy joy. 
How beautiful it is to bow thus, before 
Some paragon of excellence ; gently 
To press her electric hands, and from her 
Ruby lips, to sip the nectar, sweet and warm. (Kisses.) 

Moid of S. [Takes his a.rm.) How beautiful it is, to stand 
Arms-locked, thus ; to feel this acute happiness ; to 
Feel the pulses beat in drowsy bliss ; 
To know our fond caress's will ne'er be stale 
Or trite ; to know our love is mutual, 
Reciprocal, Eden-like ; to know we 
Have a future on earth, in which we'll meet 
As two mighty waves, to become as one, 
In this uncertain, mysterious creation. 

Brown. ! divine Mary, my wife ideal; 
Quintessent paragon of womanly beauty ; 



44 THE POLITICIANS. 

Honey-suckle floiver, beneath the 'weei^ing 

AVillow ; solitary rose in the desert ; 

Ot't hath my Tvikl fancy, pans'd before thy 

Ideal image. Thou hast check'd my too 

Frequent thoughts, when my soul was dark, and 

Desponding billows were about to bury 

Me iinder their floAV. Like the lone star 

Bursting from its concealment of a cloudy 

Night, thou stood'st before me; tumbled disgorg'd 

Masses of rapture about me, at random ; 

Wafted my mind to a land ineffable glory ; 

Bade me slumber, so near letheron waters, 

I forgot I was, that I existed. 

That there was any such being as myself ; 

My wife ideal, when thou art suctumb'd 

To these unworthy arms, by means of wedlock, 

Thou wilt be wife real, and I will build 

For thee an airy castle, luistaple 

As the bubble ; for the bubble is, and that 

Is not ; we'U ride in a golden chariot ; 

Drive our coursers o'er the milky-way ; 

And with our lash pop two or three stars 

Spangling from existence ; nod to the moon ; 

Halt on the pedestal of Jubiter ; 

Bask in aerial elements ; take 

Pleasure in riding up and down the bow 

That spans the sky ; recreate in counting 

The raindrops, multiplied by the mist, the 

Fog, the deAV, to ascertain the quantity 

Of water in the ocean. Wife ideal. 

Thy airy Palace shall be a beautiful 

Palace, the like Kings never saw ; founded 

Upon a fragment, an emerald left. 

When heaven was iinish'd ; built in the middle 

Of a silvery palisade, with golden 

Turrets high in the air, at its ev'ry 

Comer, interspers'd between, suspended 

Upon golden rods, will be our sparkling 

Nectar, in transparent globular 

Canisters, with crystalliz'd tubes, winding 

Up ; and thi-ough a monumental spire, ten 

Feet square, a thousand feet high, to the 

Nectarean fount, shingled Avith gold, from foot to 

Pinnacle ; cornic'd with diamonds, cap'd with 

A capacious whirligig, having monkey evolutions, 

Whirling out ajlian melody. 

To ev'ry passing God, in similai' strains. — 

"Nectar, nectar, feast of the Gods, — 

Nectar, nectar, feast of the Gods." 

Maid of S. Thou genius of North Carolina ! 



THE POLITICIANS. 49 

Them inducements to escape. And who ai-e 

You ? Do you love your country ? Would you take 

Up arms in its defence, or would you be 

Tories? Do you love your God? Do you obey 

His commandments? Thou shalt not covet thy 

Neighbor's ass, his maid servant, nor his man servant. — 

Are we not your neighbors ? Covetous 

Generation, — Kneel to thy God, and ask 
Him to blot out thy errors. Canst thou 

Expect to inherit the kingdom of heaven ? 

'Tis said thou shalt not steal. — Dost thou steal ? 

Let your underground rail-roads, and divers 

Ways invented, to convey our slaves to 

Canada, answer: they are our property. 

As your horses, cattle, swine, are yours. 

Should the South rob you, even of a horse. 

Or any thing less in value, you'd moan 

As a howUng dervish, and make the 

Solitudes and rocks resound with such injustice : 

Of how much more value is a slave than 

A horse ; judge your own hearts, and see if we 

Can quietly suffer you to take them 

Away by stealth. Your conduct is not 

Justified by the plea of cruelty. 

Or barbarism ; for the Southern people 

Are neither cruel or barbarous : 

They are honest, and correct their slaves when 

They deserve it ; but they suffer not as much 

From correction, as the bound boys, the white 

Lads of the North, who begs your mercy : 

Whom you punish, and flog, and imagine it's the way 

We treat our slaves. Pull the mote out of 

Yoiu' own eyes, purge yovu* own domestic evils, 

And let us alone: we havcborne your. insults 

And ill treatment long enough ; continue it 

And war is inevitable. Do you wish 

To engage with us in fight ? You have evil 

Consciences ; you cannot face the people 

Of the Sovith : for when the first cannon's fir'd, 

You'll forget human liberty, and tuck 

Your tails, like a flea-bitten cur, on the 

Way trotting to his kennel ; show the frogs 

Of youi- feet, and run like turkeys, so that 

We could laugh at your pusillanimity ; 

Despise your courage, defy your threats, as 

We have ever done ; and prove that oiu- bravery's 

Coupled with honesty : your dishonesty 

With cowardice, false generosity, 

Assum'd hankering for imiversal 

7 



50 THE POLITICIANS. 

Liberty. You are as those who pray at 
The cornef of streetis, in public places, 
To be seen by uieu. Do you love our slaves, 
And wish them exempted from servitude ? 
Will you submit yourselves to taxation 
Aud buy them ? The abolition of slavery, 
Compulsory or by purchase, vrouUl affect 
TJs : our lauds would depreciate in value. 
But we are willing to sacrifice, for 
The peace and preservation of the Union. 
Will you purchase our slaves ? No, that would 
Interfere with your purse. You are a cold, 
Calculating set, and choose rather to 
Annoy us with your insolence aud threats, 
At which we'll be annoy'd no longer. A 

House divided must fall : — Secession's our 

Motto : — -We want a boundary line ; half of 

This Union States and Territory shall 

Be ours, or this proud land must crimson with 

Gore. 

Cit. That's blood-letting; letting out blood ; phlebotomous 

In the extreme. 

Blu. Ruin, bleak, and desolating, must gallop 

To every nook and crook. Cities and 

Villages change to ashes ; oblivion's 

Gigantic wave roll o'ei- Amenca's 

Proudest era, wash away memories 

Hallow'd page, and the sacred deeds of 

Bravest chieftains. 

Cit. Damn dem isms: — I've got Sal, the old smoke pole, 

What Grand Dad fotch'd down de red skins Avid. — 

I'll fotch dem isms wid her, if dare aint be many. 
Blu. A few years ago, thei-e were not many, 

But now they are as numerous as the 

San fiddlers on the atlautic coast, and 

Like those creeping things have downward 

Tendencies. 

Cit. {Excited.) And I say, may the devil grab them 

Tendencies, and speedily drag tliem beyond 

The light of day. 

Blu. This is the hupyjiest moment of my life, 

For I perceive that you are right, that you 

Are patriots of the finest mould, ready 

To strike for your alters and your liberties ; 

Heady to kindle the watch-fires of the South, 

And rally around the glorious lianner 

Of secession. I'm proud of my countrymen ; 

For they will never ci'oucli in humility 

To their foes ; nor will they ever discard 



THE POLITICIANS. 51 

Their inheritable pride ; — but tlieir is 

One stain, one blemish upon your fair names 

And reputation, — the evils of intemperance ; (Hisses) 

I am in lavor of a prohibitory 

Liquor law. — (Interrjipted zvitJi hisses.) 

1st C'it. Your fingers need grease. 

2)id C'it. Don't your pocket feel heavy? 

Ifau. Gentlemen, is Blumor a dog? Is Henry 
Blumor, Tvho presents all theories to 
The human gaze, as shucks tempest tost, 
A dog, that thou shouldst treat him thus, with 
Interruptions, shock his noble soul with 
Thy vile hisses ? If thou hast no sense of 
Propriety, art ignorant, and so 

Unmannerly, (draics a pistol,) this shall be yoiir monitor; 
And damn'd is he, who doth persist in giving 
Blumor, the slightest indication of 
Disrespect, for so help me God, I'll send 
Him headlong to his mother dvist. (Intense silence.) 

Blu. The shadow is gone, what I would have said is lost. 

Broion. Friends and Fellow Citizens: — Does my opposent 
Believe ; can lie consent to the secession 
Of states : can he consent to see the tree 
Of liberty fall, by admitting rights 
That will terminate in wrongs ? Can he consent 
To see his own proud land, an ocean of want, 
A hemisphere of misery? 

Many Cits. He can, he can. 

Brown. To be united, is like a main-sp;'ing 
Belonging to a watch. To be divided. 
Is like a broken string of beads. To be 
Divided, is to be contentious ; and 
Contention indicates ignorance from 
The parties contending. To be united, 
Is to be wise ; hitherto we have been wise; 
But if we admit the right of secession, 
Then will we have unlearn'd the lesson 
Taugbt by blood, and hard experience. 
The eagle will take her last swoop ; 
The Chimborazo of the age will totter 
And fall ; the proud arm of mute defiance 
Will cease to elevate the starrj' spangl'd 
Banner ; one conglomerated ruin 
Will befall the land of our Fathers; 
The myrtle bowers of this earthly paradise 
Will be hewn down, by the destroying axe 
Of insolence, and savage ignorance. 
Our parterres of flowers .and serpentine walks. 
Will no longer fascinate the eye, and be 
A luxury to the soul ; all primeval 



52 THE POLITICIANS. 

Patriotism will be lost ; the enhancing 

Beauties of the world, will perish in the 

Arms of oppression ; the sublime imjjress 

And characteristics of republican 

Greatness, will be lost in disunions whirl 

And amazement ; as each state secedes, slides 

From the Union, so will each star, like some 

Angiy meteor, fall from oiir bellicosus 

Ensign, that floated through ev'ry breeze, while 

Hostile powers rag'd. Then farewell to the 

Land of Washington ; then adieu to arts, 

Sciences, the trophies of war, and ev'iy 

Proud achievement shining here, like some 

Orient star. my countrymen, let us 

Resist the blight and ruin of secession ; 

Let us stand by our household Gods, our Alters, 

Our Liberties, and mantain the Constitution. 

Jcfi'erson mantain'd it, Washington maintain'd 

It ; 'twas maintained by all our patriot 

Fathers. Had I but one minute to live, 

And my last words demanded for the 

Benefit of mankind, I would point to 

This sacred volume, and with dying breath 

Exclaim, preserve it as the next book to 

The Bible ; maintain it as it came from 

The crucible of the revolution. \_Exeunt all shouting. "^ 



ACT V. 

Scene I. — Three tceeks after the Speaking, Citizens comparing 
Polls. 

1st Cit. Luck, luck for Brown, — a lucky dog, the whole 
Day out. We've heard from all the Counties save 
One; he is ahead ; I'll bet my hat on 
His election. — His friends may fix their mouths 
To make the welkin ring with shouts and 
Exhultations. 

Ind Cit. Mine's fix'd ; I'm ready ; the rest are ready 
With their blunderbuss's, as soon as all the 
Counties are heard from, to send forth a report 
Lumbering to the stars, to wake old Blumor 
In his lair, and make him sorry at his 
Disappointment. 

Enter Messenger. 

1st Cit. How goes the County? 
Mess. For Brown, largely, and — 



THE POLITICIANS. 53 

1st Cit. Enough, enough -we hear. — Hurra for Brown ! 

Confusion and excitement ; the Citizens disperse, some one way 
and some another. Shouts and reports of fire-arms outside. 
BuTTEKCOCK, JoLER, JuNC, Caeacat, Fekrost, and Shanks, 
repair to Mimt's Grog Shop, to have a spree. 

Scene II. — In Aunt Mimt's Grog Shop. 

iS'w^erBuTTERCOCK, JoLER, Junc,Caracat, Fekeost awrfSHANKS. 

But. Aunt Mirny, we'Te come to bore you with a spree. 

Mi. [A little deaf.) Bore me with a screw ! — No you wont, 
I've been bor'd too much already. 

But. You don't understand me ; — our man he is 
Elected, and we have come to rejoice 
Over it, to drink your liquor, and eat 
Your cakes. 

3Ii. That indeed ; very well, I'm glad to hear it. 

But. Can we use your table here, at a game of cards ? 

Mi. Yes, yes, use it. 

But. Draw up youi- seats, comrades, we'll have a 
Merry time at whist. (But. Jol. Junc, Car. Fer. and Shanks, 
take seats round the table.) 

Jol. Cut the cards. 

Car. Throw round for deal. 

Fer. It's my deal, and I'll stock the cards ; be sure 
To give myself and partner all the aces. 

But. Aunt Mimy, prepare us siipper ; coffee, 
Coffee, ham, eggs, chicken, and other edibles. 

Fer. Junc, you and Shanks fill up the glasses, 
Let us drink, success is ours. — Hurra for Brown ! — 
" X*M»i vivamus, vivamus post mortem.'^ 

But. Brown's elected, but little does he suspect, 
Little does any person suspect, nay 
They must not suspect, that we were the cause 
Of his election : our designs, perjuries. 
And falsehoods, must be as deeply hidden 
From observation, as the centi-e of the earth. 

Fer. And the first among us who makes himself 
A Judas, to betray us — 

But. Him will we make a Judas, for he shall 
Hang a Judas, die a Judas, and go 
To hell a Judas. 

Car. Good, good: — the glasses, Jimc, let us drink. (^Glasses 
are handed.) 

Fer. Junc, you are so civil, — a toast from Junc. 

All. A toast from Junc. 

Junc. May you all live as long as you can. 
But when you can live no longer, 
May you die in the twinkling of an eye. 



54 THE POLITICIANS. 

Enter Citizen, with a string of fish. 

Shanks. Vot luck, vot luck ? 

Cit. ( Voice fine and coarse.) First agin a Jack, tlien agin a 
Chub, — Gad Omiglity dom you flop eav'd soul. 

Shanks. Cot tarn. 

Cit. [Holding up his fish.) I say, Aunt Mirny, I'm a man 
Of functions. 

Mi. Get out of here, you nasty foul-mouth wretch ; 
I shan't have no sich chat as that, in my shop. 

Cit. [To SlianJis.) I say I'm a man of functions, they aint 
No harm in that, is they ? 

Shanks. Veil, I'ce never here it pefore. 

3Ii. There now, I told you so ; — get out of here, 
You nasty, foul-mouth wretch ; you shan't 
Have no sich chat as that, in my shop. 

Cit. Gad Omighty dom your flop ear'd souL £I!xit.'\ 

Mi. Gentlemen, I've fix'd your supper, come and eat. 

(All seated round the table.) 

But. This is excellent chicken, quite palatable. 

Jol. The eggs, too, are well flavor'd. 

But. Caracat, eat with your knife, and don't 
Finger the victuals, at such a rate. 
I have a feeble stomach. — He's getting di'unk, 
I believe. 

Car. Not so, — only thinking about my sweet-heart. 

June. Ferrost, be more careful, you make me spill 
My coffee. 

Shanks. Peer, peer, more peer. 

Car. Fill this glass, old lady ; I'll drink a bumper. 
Sweet-heart has taken away appetite. {Mirny fills.) 

Car. [Staggering from the table.) Here's to the gal, who 
Kick'd me flat; the hesperian faugl'd belle, caparison'd 
"With coquetry, and other accoutrements. 
Can gasconade the universal con(]ucst, 
And apenuine capture, of her heart smitten 
Oriental paramour, and edulcorate 
In accents of phantasm, that her crepusculous 
Love, was void of solidity, from Alpha 
To Omega ; that there was no aperture, 
By which his attemxated sighs, and 
Love toss'd flambeous, might be inducted 
To her cordial domicile : but to crimson 
His cadaverous aspect, she illuminated 
The essence of passion, before his specticulum, 
And saw him conglomerated in her 
Wily incantations. It laments her. 
That she could not be audible, to all 
The love pliants trembling on his oracular 



THE POLITICIANS. 55 

Lips. It -was her part, and the part of 
Discretion, to captivate tliat unctuous 
Hycli'a ; to gratify her hemisphere 
Of amusements, in a sextuple ratio ; 
Epigrammatis, and erectly cubical. 
Was her elysium, at the light of that 
Truculent fop, ingurgitating 
Martyrdomism, from the cfiFects of her 
Cylincb-ical magnetism ; with pride and 
Popocatapell exultations, she had 
Watch'd his aspect retrograding in 
Tuberculous deformity, and heav'd 
A saponaceous prayer, for the wreck 
She had fabricated, to be wash'd from 
Its hypochondria, with an antiscorbutic 
Panacea, and speedily die, with 
Peripneumony. (^Tumbles on the floor.) 
Shanks. Peer, jjeer, more peer. 

June. Take some chicken, take some meat. Do you refuse ? 
Then a Jew will be a Jew, though in America. 

Shanks. (Takes apiece of meat skin and bites it.) Dece is not 
Chicken at all, dece be one leather, von shoe. 
Cot tam, cot dam. 

Hut. Your belly goes slosh, slosh ; 
We ate the solids, and you ate the wash. 
Shanks. Cot tam. 

Ju7ie. The ilesli of swine you'll neither eat or buy, 
Exit the flesh of women you deem savory. 
Shanks. Cot tam. 
Jol. You live on water and beer, 
Because meats and other things are too dear. 
Shanks. Cot tam. (Re-enter Cit.) 

Jutic. Here comes the man of fish, Aimt Mimy's foul 
Mouth wretch. 

Shanks. (^Ajigerly.) Vot you come back for, eh ? 
Cit. Gad Omighty dom your flop ear'd soul. 
Shanks. Cot tam. (Ferkost, in a drunken fit staggers to the- 
counter, and gets hold of a book.) ^ 

Fer. Here's a book, old and musty, tne work of 
John Bunyau, and who reads it? Who holds it 
In his hands around the winter fireside ? 
Who has it in his library ? The 
Fashionable people of the age, have 
Fashionable books. Old works, like old things, 
Ai'e neither desired or sought for. 
I cotdd be an author, write a book full of 
Gemmy sentiments, like an oasis. 
Among the desert of books; but knowing 
What I do, that the authors of the present 



56 THE POLITICIANS. 

Day, fifty years hence, will be scarce remember'd. 

I'll take advantage of this knowledge, 

And not rob myself of present comforts, 

The society of friends, simply to please 

The people of the present day. 

This work is old, and looks dull ; but it may be full 

Of wit and humor; — I'll examine its 

Pages. {Opens it.) Here's a representation of Angels. (Shanks 

and Cit. look on.) 

Cit. These here birds have got flat bills. 

Shanks. Dece be pu'ds, eh ! mit all dece peace, mit all 
Dece joy, mit all dece recolections, ven 
Von big horn shall toot, ven — 

Cit. Gad Omighty dom your flop ear'd soul. 

Mi. Get out of here, you nasty, bothersome, 
Foul mouth wretch, I shan't have no sich chat 
As that, in my shop. (Shanks shoves Cit.) 

Cit. (Going.) Gad Omighty dom one and all, your 
Flop ear'd souls. \_Exit Cit.'] 

Enter Goodwill's Qf'ad^T, invisible to all but Butter cock ; — shakes 
his sword at Buttercock. 

But. Are the gates of hell open, or do the 
Dead walk the earth ? Don't stare at me so ; there 
Ai'e others here, as worthy to be seen. 

Jol. What's the matter with Buttercock ? Who's he 
Talking to ? 

June. He's frighten'd, surely he's got the delirium 
Tremens. 

3Ii. If that's it, take care, make way, I'll cure him. — 

(Dashes water upon him.) 

But. Am I beset both by the living and 
The dead ? (Ghost smiles.) You need'nt laugh, you did'nt 
Do it ; throw down that sword, and I'll fight you. 
Fist and skull. (Ghost makes a lunge at him; — he dodges — runs 
— Ghost after him.) 

Jol. Stop him, stop him, he'll do mischief; — he's beside 
Himself. 

Fer. He'll frighten the mother of suckling babes ; — 
Hold him, tie him, bind him. 

Jiinc. Catch him ; — lets catch him, he'll stump his toe, 
And commit felodese. 

Shanks. Mine Cot, mine Cot. 

^Exeunt all, staggering in pursuit of Buttercock.'] 

Re-enter Buttercock, followed by Ghost and Devil. 

But. (To Mi7ny.) Old woman, — old woman, — I'll never 
Patronize you more ; — how can you entertain such 
Unwelcome visitors ? 



THE POLITICIANS. 57 

ML I never expect to again, though you 
Are the only one ; there is no visitor 
Here but you. 

But. You lie, look at him, it's the devil himself. — 
Look at that horn : look, he shakes his head, and 
Grins, as if he'd gore me through like a 
Furious bull. Look, look ; old woman, get 
The poker, tongs or shovel ; — lieat him, bang 
Him, punch him, frail him out, and shut the door. 

3Ii. Help! help! — Here's a man gone crazy, and thinks 
He sees the devil. I'll go and look for help. [Exit.'\ 

Ghost. [To But.) You are my murderer, and you shall die. 

But. I never shed the blood of any, — I'm 
No man's murderer. 

Ghost. 'Twas through your machinations, perjui'ies, 
Lies, that Henry Blumor was imprison'd : 
I, to rescue him, was kill'd : indirectly 
Then, you are my murderer: — but if thou'U 
Do the living justice, the dead shall go 
Unaveng'd. If thoii'll repair the injuries 
Done to Blumor, confess thy sins, betray 
Thy accomplices, to prove his innocence 
In the pocket-book afl'air, thou mayest 
Live, to die a natural death. 

But. I shall not ; life is but a vapor ; take 
My life, take my heart, pull out my tongue ; 
Your tortures, sir, cannot wring that secret 
From my breast ; nor undo my resolutions. 
Leave me, — the dead have no right to advise 
The living ; 'tis exceedingly improxjer. , 

Ghost. {To Devil.) Lance him, lance him. (Devil ohei/s.) 

But. Oh ! oh ! oh ! — Stop ! stop ! stop ! — Don't ! let me talk ; 
Let me say something. — Don't. — Oh ! oh ! 

Ghost. {To the Devil.) Withdraw the lance. {Devil obeys.) 

But. Your servant there, has no honor to attack 
A man unarm'd, to make a hole thus 
In my belly ; he has not the least spark 
Of honor ; and for this you shall suffer 
When I'm dead : 'twill do the devil good. 
Make him laugh to see us fight. I'll make 
You sneeze, shake you by the throat, and make 
Your collar bone rattle like peas. 

Ghost. {To the Devil.) Sage of hell, raise thy whizzing 
Spear, and barb him to the Uver. {Devil obeys.) 

But. Oh ! oh ! — Stop ! Don't, you hurt ; take it out ; — oh ! oh ! 

Ghost. Take it out, withdraw the lance ; — I'U spare his 
Life a little. {To Buttercock.) Ten days only, shalt thou 
Live, that I may torture, pinch, burn, tantalize 
You, by being in your company, at 



58 THE POLITTCTAWS;. 

Your side, for having robb'd me of life, and 
Forsworn thyself to ruin thy fellow- 
Man. Then thou shalt die, thou shalt suffer, 
Thou canst not escape. 

But. I cannot, because I have no chance. Give 
Me a chance ; don't hem me up ; give me a 
Chance to run, and I'll out-run you ; 
Leave you a distance in the race. 
Ghost. The Devil takes, 

But doth not give ; 
Thou, thou shalt die,. 
And must not live. 
Buttercoch leaps over the back of the Devil and runs. Ghost 
and Devil after him. [_JEzeunt all.J 

Scene II. — Ten dai/s after the spree. Tlie last day of Buttercoch. 
His family around the bed, with handkerchiefs to their eyes. 

The Ghost and Devil present, invisible to all but Buttercoch, 

Ghost. Stubborn, wilful man, th.y life is nearly 
Ended ; before it be tao late, repair 
Another's injuries ; undo what thou; 
Didst in tliy better days. 

But. I wiU not. — Oh ! oh ! I am so sick p 
Whithersoever I lookest, there thou art, 
To stare me in the eyes. — Oh ! oh ! Leave me, 
Leave me. 

Ghost. Long since I would have gone, and ere this thou- 
Hadst been tranquil, hadst thou confess'd thy 
Guilt, and acknowledg'd Blumor's innocence. 

But. Damn Blumor, and his posterity — adinfinitum — 
Oh L oh ! — You have no idea how I suffer. 

Ghost. Thou sufferest but little, else thou wouldst 
Confess thy sins. To extort a confession, 
I'll make the worm that dieth a.ot, singe thy 
Head with its fiery bi-eath ; lave its heated 
Tongue, upon thy damp brow, and fill thy 
Ears that heareth not, with hell's hoarse roar.. 

But. Oh ! oh ! — I am so sick ; will the Doctor- 
Never come ? — Oh ! oh ! — I ask you respectfully 
To leave me : when well, possibly 
We can arrange this matter. 

Ghost. Thou wilt never be well. Thy last day is come. 
The Devil's at hand ; thou mayest judge 
From his contented look and satisfied air. 
That he expects a rich repast, in possessing 
Thy sinful soul. 

Enter Doctor, exainimng Ms pulses-. 

But. Oh ! oh ! if the Doctor says I must die, 
And cannot live, I'll make a confession, 



THE POLITICIANS. 59 

To remove the unjust odium 

Enveloping Henry Blumor. Oh ! oh ! Doctor, 

Are there any hopes? — Say, say, can I live? — Oh! oh! 

Dr. I will be candid, there are no hopes ; the 
Constitution's gone, the system's prostrated ; 
Your remaining moments had better be 
Spent in meditation and prayer. 

But. Oh ! oh ! — I must make a confession, a 
Written confession. Doctor take down my 
Last words ; — there's a table, and writing 
Materials.— Oh ! oh ! \_Exeunt Ghost and Devil.'] 

Dr. Well, sir, I'm ready. 

But. That I, Beverly Buttercock, being 
At the point of death, doth confess, Henry 
Blumor to be innocent of theft, and 
Myself the basest wretch, to blight the prospects 
Of a man so worthy, who never did 
Me harm. That I concealed a pocket-book 
About his person, with the knowledge of 
Joler, June, Garacat, FeiTost, Shanks, 
Who are as guilty as myself, for they 
Did swear he took the book by stealth. — Oh ! oh! 
I've been Blumor's enemy, but now I 
Bear him no ill-will, and hope he will 
Forgive me.— Oh! oh ! The Devil gone, 
The Ghost is gone, and I must go. (Dies.) 

Unter Citizens, and Remove the bodi/. Family of the decease 
follow after, viaking great lanientatioiie. 

Dr. Now that Henry Blumor's innocent, I 
Can rejoice, for I did believe he was 
A rogue, xmder which belief he lost my 
Vote. To repair that injui-y, I will 
Go forth, and proclaim this treachery ; 
Incense the mobs to get his enemies punished. [^Bxit.] 

Scene III. — Room in a Ilotel. — Enter Buxton. 

Bux. Hey! landlord, hey ! 
What news to-day ? 

Land. Nothing of interest that I know, except 
The separation of Bi'own and his wife, 
The Maid of Surry. — They have parted. 
Buz. That's very bad, 

Nevertheless I'm glad. — • 
But tell me now. 
When they parted, and how. 
Land. Last week, the unnatural husband, forsook 
His natural wife, the beautiful Maid 
Of Surry. He had not been at Congress 



60 THE POLITICIANS. 

But two days, before lie met with a Miss 
Madaline Tell, a woman of great attractions, 
The only daughter of a wealthy man. 
Alas ! she drank his poison, and at his 
jNIagic, seem'd so fascinated, that they 
AVere soon endeared to each other. The 
Serpent was wound around her heart, the 
Angel fell, and with that monster fled an 
Angry parent, who swears temporal 
Punishment to the one, and eternal 
To the other. 

Bux. That monster so fell. 

Has done nothing well ; 

Now has he injured a wife, 

Ended his political life. 

To elope with Madaline Tell. 

Whether danm'd or blest, 

I let his name rest ; 

For a horse shaped ill. 

When fat is ill shaped still. 

Hauthorn, I'm anxious to see, 

He has been asking for me. 

Landlord is he here ? 

If not, tell me where. 
Land. He's here, and busily engaged in getting 
Up a petition for the legislature, 
Before the election of our next 
United States' Senator ; he has 
Many names to it, and could get as 
Many more if he had the time. — But here he comes. \^Exit.'\ 

Enter Hauthorn, with Petition in his hand. 

Hau. Good day, Buxton, the Legislature is 
About electing a United States' 
Senator, and that Honorable body 
Must receive this petition in time, 
Praying that Blumor be the Senator. 
God grant he may, 'twill add a blessing 
To our land. 

Bux. Yes, friend Hauthorn, that it will. 
And all our hearts with joy fill ; 
If further you will do the thing that's right, 
Haste to the Capitol with all your might ; 
Spur your horse, jerk the reins, be a rider, 
To effect the good of Henry Blumor. 
Allow thy noble steed the fastest pace, 
And ride him as a sportsman in the chase. 
If a moment only thou art too late. 
Thou mayest well conjectui'e Blumor's fate; 



THE POLITICIANS. . 61 

And in this mission if thou shouldst succeed, 
Then hast Hauthorn done a noble deed. 
Stay no longer — go, go, — the moments fly, — 
Mount, ride, ride, all roads and bridges defy. 

Halt. Can I mount the air? I have no wings, else 
I had been there, with folded pinions, 
Representing things to Blumor's credit 
And gain ; so that the members through me, 
Could ascertain that the people here would 
Be elated, if Harry Blumor could 
Be elected United States' Senator. 
I would labor, as never man labor'd, 
To impress his political virtues 
And capabilities, to fill any 
Station honorably, under the heavens. 
Within the human limits. I would work, 
As I expect to work, for yet it's not 
Too late ; my horse I've ordered, and momently 
Expect him at the gate. [Enter Hostler.) 

Hos. Sir, your horse is ready. 

Hau. His sides will foam with sweat, his nostrels smoke 
Before I arrive at the Capitol. \^JExeunt Hati. and Hos.'\ 

Bux. I'll go see him off, and urge him the while 
To ride fast, gallop mile after mile. \^Exit.'\ 

Scene IV. — The Mob. — Enter Mob, dragging Joler, June, 
Caracat, Ferrost, Shanks, to punishment. Enter Doctok, partly 
exhausted, and rapidly blowing. 

Dr. Hah ! hah ! hah ! I'm almost out of breath ; 
"We had a tough time of it ; they ran like 
Ostriches. Hah ! hah ! — lay it on, I'll count the licks ; 
Give them so many and no more ; let each 
One receive his twenty-four. — Hah ! hah ! 

The mob inflicts punish7nent ; — much begging and cries from the 
sufferers. 

Dr. There, stop ! stop ! they have received the penalty, 
The debt of guilt is paid ; Blumor's wrongs aveng'd; 
And thou shalt punish them no more, nor 
Laugh at their penitence ; leave off your 
Mimicaries and threats; go hence; leave, I will 
Unbind then^ myself, so that there be no 
Further violence. \_Exeunt Mob.'\ 

(Dr. unbinds Joler.) 

Dr. Have you any thing to say ? 

Jol. Yes, sir, I can say that I must have been 
Born under an unfortunate star, for the 
Roughest Mountaineer, that ever split a clod, 
Can now fiU places in society barefooted, 
That I cannot with my shoes on. 



62 THE POLITICIANS. 

Unhappy is the tide, in which I seem to float ; 
I'd rather mount the back of any billie goat. (Hzii.) 
(Doctor unbinds Caracat.) 

Dr. Have you any thing to say ? 

Car. Adam's eldest son, the felon Cain, 
Would ne'er have committed murder, had there been 
No Abel, to excited his enmity ; 
Nor would I be ruiu'd thus, if Buttercock 
Had not acted improperly, in making 
A confession, manifesting the 
Political trick play'd upon Blumor, 
Sworn never to be reveal'd ; the wretch was 
Doubly perjur'd by his indiscretion; 
I am, what I am. (Exit.) 

(Doctor unbinds Ferrost.) 

Dr. Have you any thing so say ? 

Fer. Naught to relieve the burden here ; to heal 
This smarting back ; the day is past, the moments 
Fled, when joy kindled here ; naught to relume 
A single hope ; all, all is dreary waste, 
This guilty soul, merg'd in disgrace. [Exit.) 
(Doctor unbinds Jung.) 

Dr. Have you any thing to say ? 

June. Sir, I was so penitent, the lash made 
Me halloo at such a rate, I'm asham'd 
To open my lips but to say the devil 
Had his dues ; and I, a poor fellow dealt 
With justly. (Exit.) 

(Doctor unbinds Shanks.) 

Dr. Have you any thing to say ? 

Shanks. Mit dece I shalt die, I shalt die. ! Sharmany ! 
Sharmany ! mine Coontry ! I shalt die. 
I vill and besqueath mine wife to mine pipe ; 
Mine pipe to mine wife. ! mine Cot ! mine Cot ! (Exit.) 

Dr. I'd rather be the injured, than injurers, 
In some cases, though not in this ; for I 
Feel no pity for those sufi'erers, else 
They had not received this severity 
At my hands, for which I desire neither 
Blumor' s nor the world's approving glance. 
If wrong, here is a conscience ; if right, here ia 
A conscience ; if wrong, there is a hell ; 
If light, there is a heaven. (Exit.) 

Scene V. — A Room in Blumor's House. 

Enter Widow Blumor. 

W. B. Daughter, I've come to see my son. 



THE POLITICIANS. 63 

Sirs. B. Well, mother, it's kind in you, have a seat, mother. 

W. B. No, I will first to my son. Henry Blumor, 
Here's your old mother, who wants to talk to you. 
Heni-y, Henry, speak honey ; he doesn't 
Even open his lips ; — pray, how long has 
He been thus ? 

Mrs. B. Ever since the election, he has droop'd^ 
And pin'd, and scarcely ever leaves his chair; 
He's in it from morn till night, from night till 
Morn, and doesn't seem to know I'm here, or 
Any body else, for he says nothing. 
Does nothing, and forgets to take his food 
For Aveeks at a time, and then eats enough 
To gorge a dozen men. 

W. B. My poor boy, (weeps) he doesn't favor his former 
Self; his hair is long, his beard is long. 
His brows contracted, and seemeth now a. 
Savage, and barbarian. my daughter, 
His malady will engender poverty 
And want. 

Mrs. B. Thou speakest rightly, mother ; ruins at the door I 
Behold your daughter, your son and daughter ; 
The one insane, the other drooping like 
A weeping willow, at his calamities, 
And misfortunes. Oh ! this was once the 
Abode of light and merry hearts; earth's tallest 
Mountain seem'd a fodder stack, to the rapture 
That was mine ; to the elysium that was mine ; 
To the joy, concord, and passing gi-atitication, 
Which lifted, thrill'd and buoy'd my soul. 
But now, my mother, you may deposite 
Them in a nut-shell. 

W. B. I sympathize with you, my daughter; (weeps) 
I sympathize with you, my son ; (weeps.) Insanity, 
Thou hideous monster, thou iceberg to 
The warm feelings of justice, charity, 
Reason ; thou hast ruin'd my noble son ; 
Scatter'd his fame to the winds ; martyr'd his 
Glory ; snatch'd away the feast he labor'd 
To partake ; hurl'd him from the summit 
He toil'd to gain ; deprived him the tools by which 
He liv'd ; made him as simple as he was 
When born, when he first saw the light of day. 
When his infant lips pronounced the name of 
God, and country. Oh ! I do pity my 
Fallen boy ; alas ! there is no cure for 
His malady ; dip him seven times in 
An ocean of penitent tears ; his 
Leprosy is not heal'd ; melt the mountains 



.^ 



64 THE POLITICIANS. 

To a salve, his leprosy is not liealM ; 
Convert the winds to a balmy essence, 
His leprosy is not heal'd ; let the rains 
Be honey drops, his leprosy is not heal'd; 
And his drinks the bitterest gall. 

Enter Messenger. 
3Iess. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear 
Buttercock's death-bed confession. — That I, 
Beverly Buttercock, being at the 
Point of death, doth confess Henry Blumor 
To be innocent of theft, and myself 
The basest wretch to blight the prospects of 
A man so worthy, who never did me harm. 
The fog is gone, 
The day is bright, 
The evil done 
Has come to light. [Blumor straightens 

himself a little.) 
Enter Buxton. 
Bux. Aye, now his constituents will frown, 
The representative John X. Brown, 
At Congress kick'd up a ilurry, 
Deserted his wife, the maid of Surry ; 
Eloped with a Miss Madaline Tell, 

And her daddy says he'll send him to hell. [Blumor crosses his 
Enter Hauthorn. legs.) 

Hau. News from the Capitol, news from the Capitol ; 
Harry Blumor, United States' Senator ; 
Elected mianimously. 
Long live Blumor, long live Bhimor, 
My friend in youth, my associate in manhood ; 
May he ascend the cloudless summit of 
A hero's immortality, and the 
Unparallel excellence of a Statesman's glory. 

Blumor rises from his lethargy. 
Bill. My enemies are my footstool ! — [proudly.) Now my 
Wife, we can embrace the shiftless joys of earth. 
The lovely trance of better days ; enjoy 
God's beautiful creation, the spangl'd 
Skies, glassy lakes, mossy gi-oves, icteritious 
Flowers, and mountain deck'd huey minarets. [Curtain falls.) 



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